doireallysuck

new blog.

2006-04-01T20:19:00.000+08:00

Nakapag-transfer na pala ako ng blog. Nakalimutan kong sabihin.

www.deceptionanddenial.blogspot.com

Unti-unti kong pinagaaralang hubarin ang pagpapanggap, pagpupumilit at maling katauhan. Nawa'y maging isang magandang daan ang paglilipat ng blog para sa aking bagong katauhan.

Aking lulusubin ang reyalidad sa aking pagkatao, ang pagiging isang tunay na babae at pagiging isang tunay na kaibigan.

Masakit mang isiping ganoon ko na lamang kadaling iwan itong si doireallysuck sa likod ng pitong buwan naming pinagsamahan. Hindi madali. Ngunit kakayanin.

Betrayal.

2006-03-27T20:04:00.000+08:00

People can be as rude as a bra strap that suddenly pops after having large boobies. (Weird comparison, but i guess, this would satisfy my urge to laugh and laugh, 'cause i feel supressed with it today.).

A bra strap pops when your boobies got larger. You feel betrayed. Betrayed by the thing you think supports you. You've got nothing to do but throw it and buy a new one. Same with people. Tangeancy is clear enough.

Betrayal... one of the cursed words of all times.

I felt betrayed before. And i admit, i've betrayed a lot of persons, persons i do love, and persons i do not love "that much" (that's why there's no guilt after betraying 'em JOKE). Next to betrayal is Deception. The defense mechanism in order to gain success in betrayal is deception.

It may sound harsh (for me) but i love deception, the word itself and the madness it carries.

Let's go back to the rude thing. Indeed, people are rude enough to turn one's heart into pieces. Though i'm not the victim right now, i too, can feel the rudeness of people. But we cannot just put the blame on those "rude ones". I understand, there will always come a time when one should take priority on himself than others' and betrayal is the key. Now, it is selfishness.

Life is definitely not an apple or two... The crisp it bears could be a poisonious venom that runs through your sweetest pleasure.

Selfishness, deception, betrayal... name it. It refrains life to attain its utopian haven. But that's the color of life. No white without the presence of black (mali ata... forgive me, i'm not good in colors). And here comes irony once again. Stop it. I'm so used to it.

(wish i could sing Inseperable like Jasmine Trias and wipe away the tears of those who feel betrayed today... Paparapapap Love ko 'to)

Gabby and Rina's joke:

Q: who's the most down to earth?
A: Satan.

New word for the day:
Booblets (heard from Reigina. ) = baby boobs; boobs that will spring out from a child's chest to widen the circular shape of your nipple; a soon-to-be-boobs.

Monologue.

2006-03-25T12:50:00.000+08:00

Tik tak ng oras (sounds so gasgas...)

Parang kawayang humahampas
ang tiktak ng oras
na para bagang nagbabadyang
may bagyong darating.

tik... tak...

Ilang tulo na ng pawis
ang tumagaktak
sa pisnging pinaliguan
ng bungang-araw.

Ilang tulo na ng pawis
ang dumaloy
sa matang namumula
daig pa ang adik sa kakahintay.

Mataas ang sikat ng araw
Nakangiti. Nakangisi.
Nang-aasar ba ito?
O sadyang nakapangiinit?

tik tak...

Mabagal ang galaw ng panahon.
Makupad ang kilos ng mga tao.
Mistulang tumigil ang tiktak ng oras.
Napatid na siguro ang maikling kamay
ng relong aking suot

Mabagal. Makupad. Ngunit tumitiktak...

(to be continued...)

I imagine myself holding a mike (like that of Sir Almendarez), squatting at the center of a jeepney, looking like a prophet delivering this monologue. Yes, this is a monologue since i'm so into monologue nowadays. Hahahaha.

reality/fiction || existence || Pretentious

2006-03-23T20:58:00.000+08:00

(Letting a day pass without a single entry or update on my blog is still the hardest sacrifice i'm offering myself right now.

There were lots of words buffering on my mind at this exact moment, i just don't know how to condense them.)

******

There is a very thin line between what-i-think-is-REALITY and what-i-think-is-FICTION. I just can't trust my memory that much. Fiction is fantasy and fantasy gives me reality and it freaks me out! I don't want to suffer from False Memory. I fear rumors. I fear dishonesty. I fear deception of my own self. And i fear what i will say next (might be part of my own fiction-slash-fantasy-based reality).

******

I don't deserve an existence in this world, this is what i am thinking right now.

Sounds absurd, but existence is not for me right now.

I do not/cannot make myself worthy for what kind of disposition in life i have now. I feel like carrying the ironies of the world. Is this Karma? Or just a plain obstacle in life. I just can't explain how shitty things are.

******

I'm as fake as these flowers Mama has planted on our flower box.

I am pretentious. As pretentious as everyone else. Or even worse.

It was just now that i realized that i've never shown the real "me". I never had a "changeless" personality. It varies depending on the person/people i'm dealing with. I was pretentious. I am still pretentious.

But this abstraction doesn't suck that much until then i realize that i'm cheating with my own self. Deceiving it perhaps.

I hate it when people misunderstood things i wanted them to understand. I hate it when they just can't figure out why or how i choose this or that, made this and that, and a couple of this's and that's.

But the blame is on me now.

I do not make them see what i wanted them to see for i am fooling my own self. I show them the quintessence (i'm getting Estaban-ish in this post 'cause i'm using words newly read from the thesaurus :) ) they think i've got but actually don't. I deceive them and deceive myself as well.

I am pretentious. But who cares? Everybody has their own "pretentionisms". But not as worse as mine.

******

I was thinking of signing up to multiply.com but after weighing the conseuqences, i choose not to. I seek freedom. I value freedom more (hahaha).

As long as i am a blogger, stalking is my game.

Being a multiplier, Rina quits the game.

Better be a secret stalker that a recognized one. I need a BREAVE (micah, remember this?) heart.

***

2006-03-20T15:46:00.000+08:00

Man is pressumed intelligent until he opens his mouth.
--Chinese Proverb.

This is the quote written on the last page of our English Test paper a while ago. And i tend to disagree.

This is what i wrote after that silly quote:

But intelligence is WIDE enough not to be measured on how sensible his talkings are. Intelligence... is how you carry your self; how you speak; how you act. Sensible or not, it is still intelligence.
--Rina's proverb contradicting the Chinese Proverb.

(Everyone's got intelligence ... just of different levels. You can never wipe away intelligence from a man's persona. It's built-in.)

*******

I don't want to go to church anymore.

Yesterday, i attended the mass. The homily was appealing especially the "nilalapastangan mo ang sarili mo" part. I love it. But when it's the communion time...

Shit.

I've said "thank you" instead of Amen when i received the Body of Christ.

And now, i am in the position to say:

HOLY crap! HOLY!

*******

My heart is in my hands again.

I'm into the verge of letting it go now. Hahahaha. (sorry for being mushy).

*******

Ang utak, ang basura at ako.

2006-03-18T20:10:00.000+08:00

Caution: Para sa mga taong dinudugo sa Tagalog, huwag ka nang mangahas basahin pa ang entry na ito.

Hindi ko talaga kung bakit ako naging tao. Sa totoo lang, mas magiging masaya ako kung naging isang elepante ako. O kaya tigre. Hayop, o halaman o kaya ay basura. Oo, basura! Kung hindi man basura, basurahan na lang. Tama! Basurahan.

Ngayon lang ako namulat sa basura ng mundo. Basura ko. At sa basura ng iba't-ibang tao.

Lahat ay basura.

Siguro nga masarap sabihin ang salitang basura lalo na sa tuwing naaalala ko na ginamit ito isang beses ni Kelvin para ma-describe (tangina, ang hirap ng tagalog nito) ang project ng kanyang love-of-his-life ata. Basura, ang cute.

Labin-limang taon na akong nabubuhay ngunit ngayon ko lang nasilayan ang kagandahan ng basura. Pilit akong itinago ng aking mga magulang sa loob ng kalinisan ng mundo at iniwas sa basura. Ngunit heto ako... Nagpumiglas.

At ngayon, kahalu-bilo ko ang mga basura. Mga basurang hindi inaakala ng mga magulang ko na aking masisilayan. Katabi ko sila, nagsasayaw, kumakanta at masasaya. Sila ang basura at kabilang na ako sa kanila.

At ngayon... heto ako. Nakikipag-sayaw kay Libog, nakikipag-kantahan kay Mura at nagdadasal kasama si Kasinungalingan. Masaya sila. Masaya rin ako.

Nilamon nila ako. Kinain nila ang pagkatao ko. Basura ako...

Ngunit bakit ganito? Masasama ang tingin nila sa mga katulad ko eh ang totoo eh kabilang rin sila sa kampon! Lahat ay basura. Tayo ay basura. Ayan ang dahilan kung bakit ayoko maging tao. Ikinahihiya natin ang ating mga pagkatao. Itinatago natin ang maging isang tuldok ng ating pagkakamali. At pinapabango natin ang mga pangalang permanente nang madumi.

Basura ako, at ikaw rin.

Anong nakakahiya at pagiging basura? Sa pagiging madumi? Sa pagiging mabaho at pagiging masama kung lahat ng nilalang sa mundo ay nakakararanas din ng ganitong karumihan. Hindi tayo dapat mandiri. Hindi tayo dapat lumayo. Tayo ito. Mga basura.

Nilamon tayo ng ating mga pagkatao, ang karumihan pero tayo'y nagiging mailap at nagtatago sa palda ng gagong kalinisan na yan.

Oo, hindi masama maging malinis. Hindi masama kung malinis ka talaga. Eh tangina, paano kung naglilinis-linisan lang? Huwag ka nang umasa. Isa kang basura. Masaya ka di ba? Panindigan mo.

*******

People are just too pretentious enough to cover up for their loss. I am pretentious, but not as pretentious as they are. Huwoooow.

*******

Being a loser in Math doesn't suck that much anymore, for me. I dunno know, the thought that i'm-no-good-in-Math makes me feel stronger and better. I feel more ... mentally healthy than those times i was an M-top student back in grade school. Ironic, isn't it.

I was explaining to my mom why i shouldn't be good in Math just hours ago. My explanation goes like this:

Rina: Ma, kasi ... ganito yan. Life is acting like the behaviour of sines and cosines. It undergoes a period. A period comprised with a point with the highest value and a point with a lowest value.
Hot Mommah: *eyebrows acting weird*
Rina: Life has its own ups and downs and maybe this (81-grade in Math), is my lowest value but having 97 in Speech And Drama is my highest value in a period of 3rd quarter in a Science School that sucks.
Hot Mommah: Okay okay... So it's my lowest value when i go to your school and have a talk with your teacher in Math begging her to give you a 90 in order to pass the subject and suffer like hell in the PTA meetings discussing how our children will pass that fuckin' (she didn't actually say it, but i feel like it's the perfect word to describe her anger) subject.
Rina: And your highest point is that you have a daughter that carries the title of being the "Batch Muse". *laughs pretentiously*

(that conversation was edited, but merely exact from the original conversation)

And that's the upside of being a loser in Math, you have the greatest reasons!

*******

Our Parish's Hermana/Hermano Mayor is planning to organize a Sagala in May. The shitty part is, they had a list with my name listed on the Reyna Elena part! Am i suppose to be flattered? Or just be pissed with their craziness?

Unfortunately, my mom assured them that i will agree with that. It's all fucked up. I got no choice but to enjoy it and feel that title as the "Upcoming Reyna Elena Victory Heights 2006". Shitty. But flattering. (it means, i'm the *insert adjective here in a superlative degree --a positive one* in the whole Imaculate Concepcion Sub-Parish? *blush blush* Hahahaha)

Oh my god, i have to wear fucking stilletos (spelling sucks) again.

*******

Exams next week and still, i'm not in the mode of studying. Tomorrow, i'll be having 2 tutorials in Math! Wish i still have liquids in my brain to keep it working. Seems like ... it's empty!

*******

Minsan gusto kong magpalamon sa lupa at sipsipin ang lahat ng likidong dumadaloy dito.

Goodbye.

2006-03-11T14:14:00.000+08:00

(i got this from somewhere. I have friends, yes. But for some very weird reasons, i feel like having no friends at all.)

I miss blogging. Though there times when i can actually post an entry and share whatever goes on my mind, but i preffered not to. I am emotionally, physically and academically stressed. I feel danger, angst, paranoia, rejection and loneliness. But now i am ready. Ready to let the whole world know what i want them to know and what i want them to see. I am alone.

(warning: this post is mainly about "I")

Now i know what my fear is. I fear losing people. I fear rejection. I fear being lonely. I am selfish, i know. I was never contented with my disposition in life...

Having a conversation with Selah and RL offers me a little refuge. But the thought that "i don't have them anymore" bugs me. I was never alone. I've got RL, Jen, Lovelle ... i still have my "friends" with me. But having 3 isn't enough when it is supposed to be 5.

Call me stupid for not being able to understand things. Call me immature for not taking your decisions in a matured way, i just can't. Call me selfish for not being able to let you go in my hands. Call me pathetic for not moving on life without you. Call me anything you want, but please never call me your "ex-friend".

I want to hate you, but i couldn't. I want you not to leave me, but i couldn't. I want to put things on where they used to be placed, but i couldn't. I want to pretend that i'm ok without you, but i couldn't.

I don't want you to see me in a pitiful state but if this is the only way for us not to drift away, then i will.

Please, don't say goodbye.

You've said your goodbyes, your farewells. But i never say mine, 'cause i don't want to drift away. Away from you, away from our bond and away from our friendship.

We haven't talked about it yet. I know you and her, already have talked about it. Where is me? Isn't it unfair on my part making a desicion like this without me how and why this friendship will end. I knew your own reasons, but have heard mine? You never did. I understand.

Don't call yourselves "unworthy" for the friendship, you were. Don't call yourselves "not good enough", 'cause you were. Don't call yourselves "not a good friend", you were.

A good friend isn't measured on how much time ou take to listen on to your friend's problems, it's how you interact. A good friend isn't measured on how durable your listening ears are, it's the presence that counts. You were my "best friends", right? You were.

We are all selfish, admit it. That's why this "drifting" doesn't give much "ok-ness" on us.

You are selfish 'cause you wanted to search for your identity. You were selfish for having the decision without thinking (i'm not actually saying "without", but partially, i think) the consequences after the decision-making. I was hurt. I am hurt. She is hurt, i know. And you, i don't know if you were hurt or what, 'cause it's your decision, right?

You, you are selfish. I know you. You pretend that you are ok and things are ok. You pretend that you can leave alone thinking and thinking. But admit it that your "thinking" makes you realize how lonely you were. Loneliness, i know you hate it but you resist the idea, right? But loneliness makes you excel in academics, i understand. But you once said, it was your first time to have "friends" again since gradeschool. Isn't hard for you to let go of people who you think are your "friends". This is what i feel now.

I am selfish for not moving on life without you. Selfish for making RL feel that she isn't enough (sorry, RL. I know, you'd understand). I am selfish 'cause i don't want to suffer this feeling.

We are all selfish. But one should go down to fix things up.

I know you wouldn't. 'Cause it's your way of finding yourselves. I've found myself and this is because of you. You were the ones holding the mirror when i was in deep confusion and suffering self-crisis. I've found mine and this i owe you. I'm not pursuing it anymore.

I'm sorry for having contradicting thoughts in this entry. Ironic, isn't it? Paradoxic. I've written the first part of this before. But then i realized, i should leave everything into destiny's hand now.

I sound sheepish and cheesy and begging. But the hell i care.

If it was not for us, it will never be.

Thank you for all the things i should thank for. Everything.

Sorry for the things i've done, you think i will do and what i am doing. Sorry for the bad influences i've given you. Sorry for triggering you to put thing this way. Sorry.

I love you. We aren't lesbos (i know WE aren't lesbos, right?) but i just have to tell you this for the last time. I love you.

This would probably be the biggest frustration or mistake, i would say, i have done in my life. But i have to go one with life ... without you. I've learned to live with you, you've taught me how to. But i should teach myself how to live "without" you.

I'm saying this, the hardest word of all. I don't want to say this. But i have to.

Goodbye.

Stop. Think. No one's beside you.

2006-03-07T17:29:00.000+08:00

At last! I'm alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic again blogging! Well, not really enthusiastic, just feel like typing it.

*****

GOD is done. And our sweats paid off. It was more outstanding as i was thinking it will turn out. Kuya Monci was great; Ate Mika is fabulous and KELVIN, kelvin is.... everything! He rocks!

I was thinking that our play will turn out to be a so-so one, but it didn't! The crowd was hilarious and laughing to death! Hahahaha.

I am not fictional. But i have a son at the "Ateneo" Law school.
--those were my lines. Hahaha. Petty isn't. But i'll always remember those lines, it brought me to stardom! Chariiiinnggg.

My mom and dad watched the play. And i think, Dad's quite disappointed with my role. Hahahaha, it's not worth P50 watching a daughter say those fucking petty lines and little exposure. Hahahaha.

The chorus (Amae, Jervy, Eunice, Kim and Faye) --GORGEOUS! Love their ancient-greek-outfits!
Mrs. Fate (Lowela) --She's beautiful in her hawaiian-summer look. She looks like Kris Aquino plus the way she uttered the "Game na ba kayo?" lines.
Mr. Fates (Marvy) --HELOOOOWWW. I will never forget his way of saying it.
King (Earl) --I bow down to you. You were super funny.
King ulit (Paul) --SCHMOOZING. That word will always remind me of you.
Zeus (Manuel) --He's charater is super ironic and i love it.
Man from the audience (Cheung) --hahaha. His character made me crazy and so is Reigina.
Delivery Boy (Franco) --ow, i'd better shut up.
Prompter (Selah) --Her character made me laugh, super! Hahaha.
Gloria (Micah) --you were great, i was surprised with your improvement. Congratulations.
Slave (Jericho) --your character fits your personality (i mean no sarcasm).
Friend (Ate Arvy?) --She's good.
Stabbed woman (Ate Rachelle) --make-up was creepy but you gave life to your character.
Clown (Ate Nelli) --good make-up artist, good clown.
Guard (Johnjohn) --he's ok.
Diabetes (Kuya Monci) --Great!
Dolly Lopez (Ate Mika) --one word. FABULOUS!
Hepatitis (Kelvin) --i am speechless. *hands down*

I also want to congratulate the Prop committee, costume committee, make-up committee and Promotions. You were all great.

I'll miss the practices, the chickahan, the times we were quite pissed with some things... everything!

******

It's the first time i felt really lonely since i had BFFL with me. I had them once and i've lost them now. I admit, they've gone out of my hands now (are they gone already? I don't know)

Friendship isn't shallow. It is deep enough to understand each other's feelings. Sometimes, you just have give each other's space to appreciate more the value of friendship.

I grasp ... i've got nothing. I am all alone. I am fine, no i am not. Stop, think. I've got no one.

I'm not the type who posts lyrics of songs 'cause i never liked music nor be a music victim. But i don't know, i feel like posting it 'cause it catches my feelings. *boo boo*

Carousel (i miss you) --Paramita

hey, i thought of you today
i thought that i should tell you
how much i miss you
remember what we used to say
"friends forever, i hope that we'll remain this way.."

All this time, i've been thinkin' bout the way we used
to play\ the promises we made..
you're everywhere i go i can't escape you,
when i close my eyes i see you
even in my sleep i think of you..
i miss you..

can we put the blame on the changing times?
where have all the years gone by?
so fast, so young,
so sure that this will never end
i'll always stand by you, my friend
but forever was just too long..

Shrimp-slash-crab

2006-02-27T12:37:00.000+08:00

This is a shrimp, believe me. Ati Mirs saw this from our Sinigang viand last night. This creature can be featured on the Ripley's 'cause it's a shrimp with a 'sipit' of a crab.

My hypothesis: his mom is a whore in the sea and had a crab, his dad, as her customer. Poor little shrimp, a victim of prostitution and cross-breeding of super-different creatures.

******

There's no school for today because of the upcoming coup. I fear war, i really do. Well, not all kids at my age fear war, most of them are not aware of what's happening right now, just the thought that classes were suspended would make them happy. Fuck up idiots.

(i hate those people, my YM-mates, who pass group messages like, "yes! walang pasok, sana bukas din!". You are all shits. You selfish evils still manage to rejoice inspite of the crisis the Philippines is suffering right now. Anyway, i never loved group messages, but this one sucks the most.)

My dad's a cop. He's in-charge of the deployment of policemen among the CAMANAVA (CAloocan, MAlabon, NAvotas, VAlenzuela) region to control the rallies and the wildness of people. That's why i fear the coup.

Selfish people with narrow minds. They fight for what they think is right without weighing or anticipating the consequences. Ok, what if GMA would resign, you've finally got what you wanted but do you think that give our economy its refuge? Think.

(i'm not making sense here.)

Such a pretentious psycho.

2006-02-26T16:52:00.000+08:00

I never thought prom was that boring and empty and dull. My instinct's right. The promenade season's just for those who have their boyfriends and girlfriends and their lovelives. And me? I have none. So there i was, sitting on the table with my Lovelle, thinking deep thoughts of mushiness and loneliness.

I was Ms. CYL 3. I wore that stupid sash with gold glitters that messes my dress and hands. My 4-inch stilettos's killing me! But thank God i had an escort a worthy and a super-gentleman one.
(without my freaking 4-inch stilettos)
Before the entrance, i was complaining to death how much pain my shoes causing but there was my 'prince charming' who tapped me on the elbow and said, "Dyan ka lang, wag ka aalis." He left me and came back. He told me to sit on the bench while the parade hasn't started yet. It was such a kilig moment. But not just that! I anchored my hand on his 90-degree elbow and noticed that his right hand's holding my hand! Shit. But it doesn't end there. Ongoing the ceremony, i kept on complaining how my stilettoes kill me. But then, his gentleman-ness shone as he pulled the chair and asked me sit down. *kilig kilig*. I just can't explain how much kilig i'm feeling at that exact moment.

Dinner time. The food was awful. Most of it were viands. No pastas. No desserts. No appetizers. And no rice! Fuck. But my mom told me that prom is not all about the food, not the ambiance of the place but the date, the dance and the gown. So, okay... I tried to enjoy.

But loneliness eats me. My self-issue of still-no-lovelife-at-this-age bugs me. It even kills me. And the thought that "my crush" was holding a rose and i know it will never be given to me stabs me on the heart. Ouch ouch.

Dance time.

The dance floor was crazy and loud and wild. I told myself that i don't deserve the craziness and wildness at that time. I don't deserve to enjoy. I admit, it was a plain self-pity but it was what i felt.

Thank God, i come to realize that i should make my P1500 worth it. I should dance and get wild and crazy. So, there i was, dancing. Pretending to enjoy. Pretending not to be hurt. Wearing a smile inspite of the ouchy feet and broken heart. Such a pretentious psycho.

I pulled boys (literally)to dance with me. I FORCED them. It was only Phil (thank you very much for ... hahaha. THANK YOU! I owe you one!) who asked me to dance with him. Anyway, thanks boys.

First dance: Jericho Bustos
Last dance: Daryll Diaz

I got the chance to hug them, especially Kelvin! Hahahaha. I hugged him to death like there's no tomorrow coming. I danced with him like 3-4 times? Can't remember but his smile! His smile made my night a complete one. We danced the boogy steps and the 'ikot-ikot' thingy. It was such a kilig one.

I danced with Daryll. All the while, i was thinking that dancing with him would give a period to everything, the loneliness, the thirst, the hurt. I was wrong. The period turned into an ellipsis that gives the caption "to be continued..." It sucks. I was hurt. I saw him and elly hugging each other as if stopping the oxygen to flow on their lungs. They're so sweet. Again, i was hurt. But i'm not in the position to get hurt, who am i? Just a plain girl that got hooked on to his chick-magnetic force. Poor me.

The dance wasn't that great. HE SLAPPED ME before the we danced. Even though it was a joke, it still hurt physically and emotionally. He pinched my waist and said, "tabaaaaa". And the hardest part of all, he asked me "si elly?". I walked out, stopped the dance and cherished the memories when his hands playing on my waist.

I have to be satisfied. It was him who gave me my last dance and i should be grateful to it. I should though i can't.

I didn't have the chance to dance with these two boys. These boys who had become my friends. I just have to admit, our prides are getting higher, higher than before. I just regret that i never had the chance to tell them how much i miss them and how much i miss the friendship we had. Actually, i was planning to ask them to dance with me but i told myself that it should be Daryll who is worthy for my last dance. I was wrong. They're much worthy for the last dance... I'm sorry.

PS: this thought haunts me. There's this friend who i think doesn't deserve the friendship i offer him/her. Wala lang.

I do not make sense. Shit.

I'm a pyscho.

2006-02-19T15:22:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's my problem but whenever i see my tagboard empty or nonetheless, no-one's-tagging, it pisses me.

I find it unfair whenever i tag onto someone's blog but that person doesn't bother to tag onto mine. I'm such a pyscho.

I know, my blog isn't that beautiful. I may not write as good as you are. My posts aren't as sensible as yours. My skins isn't as good as your skin. BUT i think i deserve your ... uh, forget it.

Alms. Alms. Tag. Tag. Comment. Comment.

******

Things that piss me off:

*A person you're sharing something to but gives yo this fury look and gives you a nod, as if he/she understood what you're saying but not actually paying attention to it.

*A person who speaks just for the sake of saying something.

*Anything that dodges my OC-ness.

*Super untolerable personality, intelligence, and one-sided-ness.

*Mama's nagging zone.

*Lost phones.

*Friends who are not "friends" (well, i've got this friends with "" from selah)

*Teachers who aren't as smart, witty, wise, intelligent, intellectual as they are suppose to be.

*Stubborn creatures made to be bums.

I don't know why i wrote this entry. I'm just acting like a psycho.

Survey.

2006-02-19T15:00:00.000+08:00

10 FIRSTS
first best friend: Kuya Nico (bading na ata ngayon, na-trigger ng pag-aaral sa Ateneo)
first screen name: Ninja #3, nung grade 3 ako.
first pet name: April tsaka May (ung turtle namin ng kuya ko, nakiki-pet lang ako)
first piercing: Baby pa ako.
first crush: Angelo, nursery pa un.
first school: Queen Mary's.
first house location: Kalookan City Upper.
first kiss: n/a
first car: car ko rin ba ung car ng pamilya ko?

9 LASTS
last time you smoked: n/a
last food you ate: Inihaw na baboy.
last car ride: Saturday sa lotse namin, pauwi galing SM.
last movie you watched: Close to you sa cinema.
last phone call: i don't have a phone. XD
last CD you listened to: Eraserheads
last song you listened to: Lihim, Orange & Lemons sa TV.
last words you said: "wag muna? Sige"

8 HAVE-YOU-EVERS
dated a best friend: no.
been arrested: no
been on TV: yes ata sa At your Service, nakita ung onti ng likod ko!
eaten sushi: yes
cheated on your BF/GF: nope
been on a blind date: nope
been out of the country: nope
been in love: nope.

7 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING
1. eyeglasses.
2. Ung pang-cover sa buhok paghina-hotoil.
3. panty
4. tsinelas
5. duster
6. a smile.
7. a broken heart.

6 THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TODAY
1. nagsimba.
2. nag-fit ng gown.
3. nag-make-up para practice
4. Nag-drama sa salamin.
5. Nagpa-hotoil sa nanay ko.
6. Nag-baby sit ng pamangkin ko.

5 FAVORITE THINGS
1. pen
2. paper
3. computer
4. Xean's mp4
5. slippers

4 PEOPLE YOU TRUST THE MOST
1. pamilya.
2. lovelle
3. RL
4. Micah and GABBY (gabby, i super trust you, di ba?)

3 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Makapag-charity work sa mga sexually abused children.
2. Patayin ang lahat ng Math teachers
3. At masabi ko sa kanila na ... (Gabby, masasabi ko rin sa kanila...)

2 CHOICES
vanilla or chocolate: vanilla
hugs or kisses: hugs

1 PERSON YOU WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW?
Coycoy.

Those threads devirginized my brows.

2006-02-18T18:00:00.000+08:00

Sa loob ng elevator ng Robinson:

Babae 1: P*tang *na, JONTIS na ata ako.
Babae 2: G*ga. Pano mo nasabi?
Babae 1: Eh hindi pa ako nagkakaroon eh.
Babae 2: Sigurado ka? Sino nang-yari?
Babae 1: Si Cesar, sino pa?!

Cesar, kung nasaan ka man, nakabuntis ka. Dinagdagan mo ang populasyon ng Pilipinas, sinaktan mo ang puso ng mga magulang ng syota mo at isa kang lalaking malibog. Dapat sa mga tulad mo, binibitay.

******

Those threads had devirginized my brows.

I am now a threading-victim.

I got my brows fixed for the promenade phemoma. Silly as it may seem, i am in the trend of reinventing thyselves and i am quite into the reinvention but the thought, just the thought of joining the trend makes me feel gross, so it would be better if we call it an "improvement stage".

The improvement stage.

First, my prom dress will soon be experiencing another redesigning. The tool will be replaced with a lace for more elegance. My gown is not a gown already, more of a cocktail dress.

Second, i bought a curling iron 'cause my sister will be the one fixing my hair and my make-up as well. I trust her more than i trust those parlor-ers.

Third, i got my brows fixed. My eyes turned teary while the 'operation' was going on. But i admire myself 'cause i was alone and nobody's beside me when the threading began. Brave girl. Weird 'cause it hurts more on the left eye than the right eye. And thoughts started to grumble on my mind. What if we only had one eye? What if our brows were connected to each other? What if my brows were like those of Imang's (Kampanerang kuba)? What if i kill this lady threading my brows?

...the stage continous...

But ooopppss, there's a problem. Someone told me that 'short gowns' are not allowed. Fuck, think i'll rent or borrow another gown. Fuck.

What's goes up must come down.

2006-02-17T20:33:00.000+08:00

*inaamin ko, hindi ko gusto ang mga blog na puro kwento ng mga nangyayari sa buhay nila ang laman. Hindi naman sa hindi ko gusto, pero preferred ko ang English posts, mas napa-practice ko kasi ang sarili ko. Pero hindi ko alam kung kaninong kaluluwa ang sumapi sa akin at magkukwento ako at magtatagalog*

******

Pinagsisisihan ko na ang pagtakbo ko sa pagiging muse ng batch at pag-vovolunteer na maging muse ung classroom. Pinagsisisihan ko na ang kakapalan ng mukha ko.

Nagpractice kami ng prom kanina at kahapon. Siyempre, special mention ang mga muse. AT, huli akong rarampa. Sosyal. Pero naisip ko, i don't deserve my title (mahirap i-tagalog 'to ha). Hindi naman sa napapangitan ako sa sarili ko, maganda ako kaya nga lang MAS MARAMING MAS MAGANDA kesa sakin (ayon nga sa isang teacher, hinayupak ka!).

Ayos lang yan, gwapo naman escort ko eh.

******

Nanood kami ng nanay ko ng Close To You. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero nanay ko lagi ang kasama ko manood ng mga pinoy-feeling-teeny-bopper na pelikula. Nakakatuwang isipin na mas kinikilig pa siya kesa sakin.

Pango pala si Sam Milby, pero gwapo pa rin siya. Salamat sa kanya at naliwanagan ang mundo ko na hindi lamang sa isang aspeto ng pagmumukha masusukat ang kagandahan.

Platonic.

Natutuwa ako sa word na platonic. Narinig ko sa katabi ko sa sinehan habang ineexplain nya sa girlfriend niya. Hindi ko alam i-define etong salitang eto, pero alam ko kung ano ibig-sabihin nito. Wirdo. Ang tanga naman nung syota, absent ata yun nung tinuro sa kanila yung "root words". Ang galing noh, may mga salita na alam mong gamitin at alam mo ang ibig-sabihin pero hindi mo mabigyan ng depenisyon.

******

Sinundo kami ng tatay ko. Para akong sumasakay sa isang drag racer na maraming ka-racing. Nakakatakot pero masaya.

Kumain ako ng French bread, first time. Matigas pala yun, pwedeng palo-palo pag naglalaba. Nakakatuwa, panget lasa.

Sa kaunaunahang pagkakataon, narinig ko ang tatay ko na sabihing magandang-lalaki siya. *iiiwwww*. Minsan talaga pag nakikinig ako sa usapan ng mga magulang ko, pakiramdam ko nasa isang reality show ako. Biruin mo ba naman, nagbibilangan sila kung sinu-sino ang mga may gusto sa kanila.

Past makes up the present.

2006-02-15T20:04:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was valentine's day and yet, i forgot to post an entry. Tsk tsk. Valentine's wasn't that extravagant then. It was just a plain day on the calendar that went through except for the red-shirt-for-lovers and the roses girls carry while they do their giggling stuff... But mind you, someone gave me a rose! Bwahahahaha. It was Jericho. Thank you Jericho! And thank you Mama for the cologne jelly you gave me. :D

*****

I went home early, earlier than the usual 6:30 'cause i didn't attend the God practice.

I got the chance to caress with my mother-earthly hands the beauty of sunset. I've never done this before since God (the play) has started.

The sunset was perfect. The atmosphere was orange-y and exquisite. The air slapping my cheeks was nostalgic and dramatic. The sounds of buses and jeepneys' serenes (including the robocop rhythm) were music to my ears. Everything was perfect and beautiful... but a billboard extinguished my dreams, my fantasies.

Pessimism concealed my optimism...

That billboard sucks! I don't know how, i just felt the angst... and sudden depression.

"you could win one million pesos", said the billboard (at the commonwealth, facing Ever).

The thought of the Wowowee-Ultra Incident suddenly passed on my mind. There's a politcian/mediaman (not sure) who dared to accuse people as 'acting-like-animals'. I agree to him though i'm actually against to it.

They slap the deception onto peoples' faces that money can buy everything, even our own happiness and Pride, just our own pride is at stake. Fuck 'em.

But i came up to the conclusion that the famine of our country is not our faults nor the corrupt government officials'. According to my report in AP, the corruption in Africa was resulted by the invasion of the wests. Analogically, same with Philippines. Our scarcity of good-government and the corruption is caused by their invasions. The past makes up the present and this famine should be blamed on those aliens! Fuck 'em.

Hahahahahaha. My thoughts are quite messy, spare me. *boo boo*.

******

I felt no invisibility in Chemistry anymore. Wala lang. *jumps for joy* And oh, Ma'am Belisario's quite OK during Math time. :)

Enough of posting for this day.

2006-02-13T21:35:00.000+08:00

Rina --

[adjective]:

Extremely extreme!

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Ka-chuvahan.

2006-02-13T20:43:00.000+08:00

From: Arnault
Subject: hi
Message: Hello!
I've seen your profile, it's really cool.
I've been living in paris for a few months and i like
to meet people from around the world!
Would you mind a chat on msn, if you want to
add me : optigan@hotmail.fr, see ya!

From: ian jezer
Subject: hi
Message: hillo
> cute
> and beutiful
>
> u are like an
>
>
> angel in ur pic ?
> thak u
> God Bless...
pls invet mheeeee
Ian_Jezer2004@yahoo.com

From: -kheL-
Subject: elow
Message: hi poh
pwde frend???
anu poh e-add u
ty

I opened my friendster account and these messages were on my alerts. And i kept on laughing (on my thoughts) ang laughing and laughing.

And i told myself, why am i laughing at them when they are just living their life to the fullest. Living life to the fullest in the sense that they befriend and introduce theirselves to people who are completely strangers to them. I admire them. I am not as brave as them. Just the thought of embarrasment kills me.

I wish i could say whatever i want to say.
I wish i could lower my pride that easy.
I wish i could forget those things and face the present.

I wish but i couldn't.

*shift mode*

Who knows, there's a probability that one of them is my 'destined one'? Wahahahahaha. Huwag sana yung si Ian Jezer. Hahahahaha.

(oh i feel pretty Oh so pretty I feel pretty and witty and gay...Uplift my spirit and confidence and self-esteem.)

Chuva lang.

2006-02-13T20:20:00.000+08:00

"Sa dinami-dami ng lalaking namimili ng regalo sa SM kanina, nakakalungkot isipin na ni isa dun eh walang namimili ng panregalo para sa akin..."

Jealousy no-jutsu attack!

Tomorrow's going to be Valentines. A day when lovers wear their most beautiful red shirts. The day when the Cinemas were flooded with two heads combined as one (kissing). The day when girls carry their pink balloons and bouquet of flowers. The day when SSB (single since birth) Kids realize how deserted their hearts are.

Valentines was never that ouchy to me. But this one, i don't know why, but i'm longing for a lovelife. *boo loser.*

I lost my phones so no one would greet my happy valentines and that makes my valentines more... deserted (redundancy eats me).

Just a simple happy valentines would do, but of course, it should be a greeting with a smile.

I never had a sweety-bunchy-healthy-wealthy valentines every since. Yes, i've experienced receiving roses (in the fifth grade) but those were not given 'romantically'. I never had a love life though. But isn't sad to think that, you know, i'm in the third year of highschool and yet, zero love life. Hahahhahahaaha. *boo boo*

*hahahaha. this entry is completely ... chorvatic!*

No more cellphone.

2006-02-12T19:02:00.000+08:00

I lost my two phones yesterday. AND, i was holdupped (or held-up?). I just wish my phones would be at good hands.

Goodbye ~~09228046735~~. Goodbye ~~09286154621~~.

Thank you very much Gabby.

(this is not an entry, just... an entry. Sige na nga)

...

2006-02-08T20:28:00.000+08:00

This tattoo costs 12 Php. It's JV's masterpiece. Hahahaha.

I had a small talk with JV and Jericho. I'm sorry but i can not take Jericho's reasoning 'cause he's too biased with his own thoughts. There's no reason for you to have an arguement with him 'cause he will never listen to your reasonings. Tsk tsk. I know you two are smart and intelligent but sometimes you just have to respect people's opinions and TRY to figure it out.

******

I can't afford having a boyfriend. I can't figure out how girlfriends say their i-love-yous to their boyfriends.

Yesterday, i was practicing my 'future way of saying i-love-you to my future boyfriend'. BUT Geeeeessshhh... I suck. I sound so plastic and sweety-tummy and GROSS.

Just the thought of having a boyfriend brings me goosebumps much more with the thought of saying i-love-you, it kills me!

I just wish i could find a boyfriend who wouldn't require some showy feelings. I just wish i could find someone who has enough depth to understand my feelings without my actions. I wish i could find someone as hot as Matthew McCoughnauhey (spelling sucks) in the Wedding Planner. Hahahaha.

******

Our friendship may not be as strong as i expected it to be. We may lose the sweet friendship we have been building since then, but i just want you to know, you will always be a friend to me.

Caution: Grammatically imperfect. But healthy.

2006-02-07T19:57:00.000+08:00

February 7, 2006

Micah's birthday!

Anniversary of Marcos' snap elections

my most-number-of-apologies-said day.

******

"Pride sullies the noblest character."

Pride was never an issue to me. AND i've got just a below-average on the Agressiveness test that's why things are actually, little by little, flowing smoothly.

Everything's a mess. But Sorry is just one word away for the mess to clean up. It's just my pride. But it's ok since it was never an 'issue' to me.

Everything's going smoothly. Things are moving on their proper places. Everything's fine, i hope so.

There's this girl whom i said sorry to. I admit, i hated her. I judged her. I condemned her. I crucified her in my thoughts. I almost killed her, just in my thoughts. All the while, i was thinking she's a bitch. I thought she was the most obnoxious person in the world. I even called her *toot*. But i was Wrong. Damn wrong. She's one of the sweetest girls on earth. She's very malimbing and i was thinking that she wouldn't accept my apology. But i was wrong. All i could say was oh nose. I said sorry and then she hugged me and said sorry too. She has the sweetest smile. And the warmth of her hug provokes a good friendship. I just wish the friendship would grow stronger and let this past misunderstanding be our guide to a beautiful and healthy friendship. I love you girl!

There's this boy who just said sorry to me, minutes ago. I haven't replied to him yet. I don't know what to reply. This guy calls me his bestfriend (it was just yesterday when i actually pondered that 'yeah, his my bestfriend!'. I know, i've hurt him. Hurt him badly. He's the most notorius guy in our batch. He holds the greatest number of offenses in the guidance office. He known as the most 'maangas' guy in school and yet, he's got the biggest heart. He told me that i "changed". He told me that he's one of the victims of my anger and agony. He even told me that i should not hope that everything's would turn out fine again. I cried. Cried deeply. I love him, of course as a friend, as a best friend. I don't want him to get mad at me. I don't want our friendship to end up just as simple as that. So i've said sorry. Then, he told me he was sorry too. I cried. More tears flowed. Guilt eats me. I just wish everything would be fine again.

It was just my pride, my conscience and my instinct. At least, everything's ok now. And i'm happy with my situation right now. Happy.

******

Right now, i am the perfect definition of Mediocrity. I am always a mediocre. Mediocre in terms of academics and things beyond academics. I am plain and common and nothing.

I know, i know. My classmates think i'm taking advantage of RL. The conclude that i can be as hopeless as a beggar without RL. The relationship between us is plain parasitism, i as the parasite and she as the host. I am the one who abuses her intelligence. Harsh accusations without sufficient evidences. A big fallacy i guess. HASTY GENERALIZATION.

The relationship between us are merely friendship and mutualism. I admit, i take advantage of her but please include that sometimes she's taking advantage of me. Sounds so-so. Re-phrase, re-phrase. We work as a pair. We are never parasites with each other, I am never a parasite to her.

Just because she's RL and i'm just Rina? Would that make a difference? Just because she's the rank two in class and i'm in the thirty-plus rank? Would that support your conclusions that i am taking advantage of her? Would the ranking in the class measure accurately my intelligence, our intelligences? Oh oh... please don't attack me with harsh accusations that i'm actually saying this 'cause i'm not in the top, i don't give a damn to it.

I know i should blame myself for this. I haven't shown great prowess in the class. I am known for my silliest and corniest joke. I am known for the confidence i've got for running for the muse position in the batch. I am known for the thick face i've shown in front of the class when i volunteered being a the class muse. I am Rina, the plain and so-so Rina. Rina with the so-so intelligence. Rina with the slow academic understanding. Just Rina.

Enough for this foolishness, maybe i'm just seeking refuge.

Thoughts screw me up. Fcuk.

******

"The heart has its reason which reason does not know."
-Blaise Pascal

My math teacher find this quote senseless. But it actually makes sense to me.

Love is the dwelling point of vast emotions. Too wide. Love has its own reasons, reasons which are ok left unrevealed 'cause love is never an argument. Love is never a court trial that seeks justice. Love is the only thing in the world that doesn't require definite reasons, sufficient evidences, and logical reasonings. Love is the only as-is in the world. You love not because of this and that. You love because love itself is the best reasoning. You love because you love. (i think i sound senseless, but i think, therefore i am).

I understand why she found it senseless 'cause i know literature is an art, art with different kinds of appreciation. If she finds it senseless then let it be but... I don't know, i find her empty. She's the null set in statistics she's teaching her students. FOR ME, she's empty.

This is my opinion. Plain opinion.

Ok ok. The quote was senseless for her, but does she thinks her way of teaching is sensible? She's empty. She's got no right to ask her students "bakit, magaling ka ba?". She's the most narrow-minded person i've met. Being magaling is not just in the field of Math. Me, i'm magaling with artsy-fartsy things, not in Math, but still i'm magaling.

Tsk tsk. Empty.

*****

My Speech and Drama teacher saw my writings on my palm and even called me "uncivilized". (no, no. i'm an exaggeration machine. But this is what he actually meant). He described how uncivilized Filipinos are. He even described how primitive our way of living is. I felt stupid, all i can say was "who cares?".

The primitive way of living, the uncivilization and the disgust is part of our culture. These makes our culture richer.

I hate him. I hate his germ-infested mind. I hate his colonialism.

He's trying to remove the culture on his being. He's being eaten by the virus of colonialism. I hate it. Fcuk 'im.

******

Natatakot ako. Nasakop na ng Statistics, Physics, Chemistry at General Math ang lahat ng letra sa alphabet. Natatakot ako.

A- Area
B- Magnetic Field
C- Coulomb
D- Density
E- Summation?
F- Magnetic Force
G- Gravity
H- Hypotenuse
I- Electric Current
J- Joule
K- Kelvin (favorite ko toh ah! ^_^ JOKE LANG)
L- Length
M- Mass
N-Newton
O- Opposite side?
P- Probability/ Permutation
Q- ung sa statistics, q=1-P
R- Resistivity
S- Series?
T- temperature
U- *eto blank pa ata*
V- volts
W- watt
X- random variable X
Y- random variable Y
Z- Z-score

at pati ang baby letters ng mga letrang ito, na-invade na rin nila! Waaaahhhhh.

PS: This entry would probably be my favorite. This one's the longest entry i've ever written. Though i know, this one's not grammatically perfect, i still love it.

Don't blame everything on me.

2006-02-06T15:24:00.000+08:00

To Greg:

i've read your deviantart. I'm sorry if i "rejected" you idea, but the group agreed with my idea right? I'm sorry if i wasted your time, but am i the one who made "pagiinarte"? I'm sorry if my ideas were corny and stupid and "jologs" (which is supposed to be jologs talaga). I'm sorry for everything but don't just blame the mess on me, it wasn't me who made the shoot a mess.

At first, the shoot was great, it was smooth. But is it me who made it a mess? Is it me who made the "pagiinarte"? and your 'rejection thingy', did i actually "rejected" your idea? I just suggested "my idea" and the group agreed with it. AND, sana kung gusto mo ung idea mo, edi sana pinagpilitan mo.

i know all of you are/were angry with me, i understand. But have you ever tried to understand my side? I know Greg, you're intelligent, but please don't be just one-sided.

******

Everything's my fault, they think. Yeah right, it's my fault.

My ideas were corny and stupid and "JOLOGS". I rejected Greg's idea, right?

But is it my fault if the GROUP AGREED with my idea? Is it my fault IF I THINK Greg's story were hard to shoot? Is it my fault if Zion who actually made "pagiinarte" on the shoot when he actually agreed that he will have the 'bading' role?

I know, i've wasted your time and money. I know, but it's NOT ONLY ME who 'wasted' your time, money and energy. Have you ever, guys, asked yourself if it was JUST ME? Admit it, if only ALL OF YOU cooperated, the shoot should have done well, right?

You are all against me, Greg, Vincent, Zion, Johnjohn and JP. BUT PLEASE STOP BEING ONE-SIDED. I understand why you're angry at me, i understand why all of you were against me, i understand why you hate me. But please understand my side and don't just blame everything on me.

I'm not asking for forgiveness. All i'm asking is for you to understand my side. I know Greg you're intelligent. You're the most intelligent person from those guys, please understand me and don't don't just blame everything on me. (redundancy eats me).

******

My ideas were corny and stupid and "JOLOGS". It was just now that i realize that i actually don't have the wackiest ideas. The wackiest ideas i thought i was gaining. But i was wrong.

Yes, i was the one who gave our group a 98 in Filipino on the second quarter. But my ideas were not that good pala. It was corny and stupid and Jologs.

I'll quit directing. I'll quit the thought that i'm great with those stuffs, stuffs which include media arts. I'll throw up my plans of taking up Film and Audio-visual communications. I'll throw all the compliments my friends give on me regarding directing and story-making, i don't deserve them.

I don't mean sarcasm.

I just thought i was a great idea-popper. But it was just me who thinks that i'm great. People doesn't.

Well, i can now say "I'm not happy for myself and not happy with myself".

******

Thank you Gian, Karina, Geselle, and Xean (i think Jimbo's not mad at me so i should thank him too) for understanding me. Thank you Micah, Kelvin, RL, Darise, Gladys, Marian and Danieli for accepting me in your group.

Thank you Micah and Gabby for believing on my talents. Talents which i actually don't posses. Thank you for the compliments, i don't deserve them. Thank you guys and i love you.

I'm sorry Selah's group if i made your burden heavier. I'm sorry, I (just me) who made your documentary a mess.

Kelvin RUL:ES.

2006-02-06T08:01:00.000+08:00

I wish I was as bold and bare as Kelvin. I wish I could always wear whatever I want to without congitating what would people say. I wish I could always say whatever I want to say and take for granted everyone's feelings.

But look at me...

I am pretentious. My actions, thoughts and desires are supressed. I wear a mask to cover up for my shame. I am nothing but a pretender.

kelvin RULES. (sure sure sure... ^_^, natutuwa ako nakausap ko si Kelvin...)

Killing me Softly.

2006-02-03T20:05:00.000+08:00

(i don't want to go to the prom anymore. Everything will turn out into pains in the ass, i can predict. Call me 'nagiinarte', call me 'pa-VIP', but i can't hurt myself. I've hurt myself enough. So, you want to know the reason? Ganito lang naman, i'll be sitting with my 3-year crush on the table, but fcuk, he's my friend's date.)

It's not a 'real' entry. I just want to write something.

Playing: Killing me Softly.

Contradictory Premises

2006-02-02T19:39:00.000+08:00

BLOG THIS! (02/01/2006) (2:57AM)

My biggest frustration, My own self.

I've becoming someone i never dreamt of becoming, someone I never I knew I would become, someone who isn't me.

Ironically, I'm becoming someone who isn’t me, just me. I'm just too pretentious to hide everything and be the girl in distress.

I know, I know, Contentment and satisfaction are the two main ingredients in making thy self happy. I've been trying to put them in my own self-soup-bowl but am I happy? Half-way.

The thought that "I'm contented and satisfied" makes me sometimes happy, sometimes not. These words are synonymous with the word "settling". My friends and I have been talking about it just yesterday and we all agreed that people shouldn't settle with their default statuses in life, thus, they should strive for excellence or perfection. What if I will never come up with contentment and satisfaction and keep on striving for excellence? How would I become? Would that prevent me from happiness? When if I gave up excellence and settled for contentment and satisfaction? Would that make myself happy when all things turned into frustration? It’s a fallacy. Contradictory Premises. It messes me up.

I hate the world and the ironies it carry.

I am afraid there will come a time when cry on bended knees seeking refuge from other people 'cause I'm already tired of fighting for what pleases me.

I don't want to be a person of triviality. I should gain prowess and respect and popularity. I deserve ‘em. I'll gather them all carry put them in my backpack as I go on my journey. My journey towards life’s enlightenment or perhaps, Death.

Freedom.

2006-01-29T23:01:00.000+08:00

I wish i could always be true to myself. True enough to receive honesty as well.

I always wanted to do everything i wanted to do but i cannot. My self is suppresed with my own ropes tied on my soul. Supressed and Depressed.

I always wanted to:

1. Always wear a sweet smile. Smile to cover up even for the deepest hurt. Smile to appreciate small things. Smile to have my muscles some exercise. Smile. But i cannot.

2. to be true to myself and to others. But i cannot.

3. speak what's on my mind but paranoia eats me. I might offend people, i might hurt them, i might get rejected, i might... So I cannot.

4. Excel in Math but I always settle with the thought that i'm hopeless with it. So I cannot.

5. Start a conversation with people who seem interesting but the social contract forbids me to. I don't know, i just want to blame it to the social contract. So I cannot.

6. Receive honesty but i always refuse it. The thought itself scares me. So I cannot.

7. Kick the asses of those people. But of course, I cannot.

8. To speak for myself but supression eats me. So I cannot.

I still believe that there's no such thing as Freedom. I wish there was.

Slumbook fallacies.

2006-01-27T21:21:00.000+08:00

Slumbook fallacies:

What is Love/ Define Love.

1. Love is blind.
This quotation is i think synonymous to unconditional love, a love that only a mother can give, i guess. With regards to romance, there is no such thing as blindness. Ok ok, we can brushoff the physical looks but there will always be 'somethings' we look on a guy/girl/partner. Setting standards are good proofs of this falseness.

2. Love is like a rosary, it is full of mysteries.
This one is an example of dicto simpliciter fallacy. It concludes something that is not applicable for all. For me, love is an openbook. For her, love is a mediocre. For him, love is... blah blah. Love is not always mysterious, sometimes it is, but NOT ALL THE TIME.

3. Love is God.
I disagree with this. God is God. Love is Love. This is an example of false analogy fallacy. We feel love towards God and He's the 'definition' of love BUT He's not the feeling we feel towards others. We can't say, "hey darling, I God you".

4. Love is when you say you are sorry.
There are things worth regretting for, this includes love, i guess. Love is too stupid , not blind, not to notice that we are actually falling for the undesrving people. This one's quite contradicting with #1. This fallacy is called... i forgot, something with contradiction.

5. Love is a word.
Shit, i'm dead. This one kills. Beware of this, a super dangerzone for stupidity.

6. Love is a feeling of vast emotions.
Love is sometimes not as big or as wide as horizon. Love can be as small as a keychain or as huge as an elephant.

7. Love is sweet but cannot eat.
Hands down to Abigail Bautista who wrote this definition of love when i was in fifth grade. Oh di ba, tinalo si Aristotle, Ptolemy, Copernicus at Socrates.

I'm so into mushiness. There's nothing with being mushy, just limit it and know the boundaries between OA and cute.

Reminiscing the good old days of childhood...

QueSci doesn't offer much appreciation for myself but it offers much appreciation for my being.

2006-01-26T21:00:00.000+08:00

I was never one of the "in crowds" nor one of the cool dudes. I was never one of those popular volleyball varsities wearing short shorts. I was never one of those people wearing flaired P.E. jogging pants and shirts untucked. I was never one of those who has always the update of the new Westlife, N'sync and A1 album and most of all, i didn't know the song 'passenger seat' back in the sixth grade.

To make things short, i was never one of them but i WAS trying to fit in.

I was always the law-abider, wearing an i.d., a jogging pants with garter and a tucked-in shirt. I was always one of the creams of the crop. Simply, not one of them.

I never enjoyed my grade school life. I never treasured a friend from that phase. Oh well, it's just a phase but an everlasting memory.

I wish i had better grade school memories. Sensible, intelligent, and intellectual memories. Memories worth keeping i guess. But it's too late. I've earned so much junk from the elementary days. Days of stupidity, shallowness, fictional friendships and never-ending crushes. I wish i could just throw away those crappy memories and replace it with better ones. I wish but i could not.

I've realized how much i sucked on those years. I've realized how trying hard i was. Shit, shit. I suck, badly.

I wish i had envisioned how would i become when i first step into highschool so i could make things right. I wish i had absorbed great depth and showed great prowess. I wish i had friends worth keeping. I wish i had gained enough intelligence in preparation for high school. I wish i had real 'teachers' by then. How i wish...

Shoooossshhh. But what happened? All i thought was being part of the incrowds and trying to figure out how to be cool. Such a sucker i was.

But thank God, thank God. I was able to get out of that freakshow.

I entered high school. Gained 'enough' knowledge and boost 'enough' SENSE. I don't know how enough it is but still, i think i am now a better person.

QueSci doesn't offer much appreciation for myself but it offers much appreciation for my being.

Thank you QueSci, thank you Dep. Ed, thank you Philippine Government, thank you Quezon City.

PS: I've realized how dumb i was that i was actually craving for the adjective "cool". Now, for me, cool doesn't give much of a compliment for me, more of insult. I don't know why. This word reminds me of jologs and thugs and gangsters. Weird.

******

i wish i was good in math. I wish i was my classmates' refuge. I wish i could prove the proportionality and equality of sin, cosine, tangeant, cotangeant, cosecant and secant. I wish i knew the difference between the angle of elevation and the angle of depression. I wish i had a periodic exam in math with at least a passing score on it.

Is it me? Is it the subject or is it the teacher?

*count how many times i've used the phrase 'i wish'.

He will always be my sweetest nightmare.

2006-01-25T20:37:00.000+08:00

Hell-er than hell.
(For voodoo formerly known as *a***u)

Spreading like virus
as their mouths beckon
spilling out hastily taunts
of criticisms and blashphemy.
Evil making out
with demons and beasts
Summoning the voodoo inside
battling with innerselves
as their souls keep burning
blistering and scorching
Death is their key
their key to their heaven, the hell.

I've written it weeks ago but since Gabby made a poem for Voodoo, i think i should post mine too.

******

Sex is such a big word. It's one of those words that i can't mention infront of an adult. One of the topics i can't open-up with a presence of a mature mind. I don't know why, it's just that i feel so awkward whenever this topic is being discussed.

I know, at this age i should be fully-aware of this. But geeeessshhh. I feel so immature and young, so innocent and naive. There's so much of a Filipina in me that preserves my conservativeness. Yihaaaahhh.

There's a thin line between conservativeness and narrow-minded when it comes to sex. I wonder why.

Sex had always been the biggest issue of all time. Pregnancy is the second.

Reality check, kids my age do actually practice it already and the weird thing is, they can't see the issue on it and makes people look stupid and ignorant with their 'more-stupid' question, "so what?".

Virginity is an issue escpecially on our age. So what?? So what?? Honestly, i don't know what's the thing about it but i know that it's something you should be protecting and preserving, like nature (hahahaha).

Kids this age are so selfish. They do sex just for their own advantage. They take for granted what their parents would feel towards the issue. The thought that it satisfies the pleasure decieves them with the consequences or the results of this 'pleasure-satisfying-thing'.

If i offended someone/somebody (is there a difference between body and one?), this entry is just one of the random things that keeps on passing through my mind and i have this urge to post it. Get it? It's the urge, no misconceptions please.

*******

Your smell is still the sweetest fragrance that captures my heart.
-Rina.

He still possesses the greatest smile on earth, the sweetest fragrance and the most beautiful face (though it's not that smooth na) on earth.

His voice is the most audible and ear-catching tone of all times though he sounds stupid when he talks and speaks. I hate it, but i love it.

His slender body is the sexiest of all men though he's abs and chest aren't that prominent.

His still ... my sweetest illusion.

*kilig kilig*

Mushy mushy me.

Salamat sa mga naka-miss.

2006-01-23T19:00:00.000+08:00

> 1)Kinuha ka ng isang talent scout para maging
> artista?
:: Ay sus, bakit hinde? Bigyan naman natin ng pag-asa ang industriyang Pilipino at itapon na si Bea Alonzo at Shaina magdayao.

> 2) Pinlastik at tinraydor ka ng pinagkakatiwalaan
> mong kaibigan?
:: Friendship is matter of risk-taking. You can never predict peoples' minds, even your friends'

> 3) Nawala ka sa mall?
:: Maglalakad ako pauwi kahit sobrang malayo. May choice pa ba ako? Alangan naman magbenta ako ng laman para magkaron ng pamasahe. *:D*

> 4) Pinatay ng kapitbahay n'yo ang pet mo?
:: Papa-barangay ko siya. Teka, di ba patay na barangay captain namin? Ay sige, ako na lang papatay sa kanya.

> 5) Bukas ay pupugutan ka na ng ulo?
:: Ayos lang. Pero ibibilin ko muna kay Manong mamumugot na i-preserve ang ulo ko.

> 6) Dinuraan ka ng isang loko-loko?
:: Iiiiwww. Sisingahan ko na lang siya para may originality.

> 7) Sinabi sa'yo ng nanay mo na ampon ka lang?
:: Hahaha. Imposible, batok na batok pa lang kamukha ko na nanay ko eh.

> 8) Isa ka palang prinsesa/prinsipe na matagal ng
hinahanap..
:: Ay naku, sinasabi ko na nga ba. Isasama ko na ang prinsipe ko... si *insert name here*.

> 9) Nanakaw ang most valuable thing na inagkaka-
> ingat-ingatan mo?
:: Ayos lang. Wag lang nya nanakawin puso ko! *hahahahahaha*

> 10) Iniwan kang nag-iisa sa bahay?
:: Edi masaya.

> 11) Hinuli ka ng pulis pero wala silang dalang
> warrant of arrest?
:: Eh tanga pala sila eh, pulis din tatay ko eh. PAlakasan na lang yan.

> 12) Nagbaha sa bahay n'yo?
:: Imposible, sa dinami-dami ng puno dito, magbabaha??

> 13) Nawalan ng kuryente habang nanonood ka ng
> pinaka paborito mong tv show?
:: Sus, ok lang un.

> 14) Itinulak ka ng kaklase mo sa harap ng
> maraming tao?
:: Ayos lang. Wag lang nya itutulak ang puso ko palayo! *hahahahaha*

> 15) Sinabi sa'yo ng crush mo na ang
> ganda/gwapo mo?
:: Ay sus, sanay na ako jan. *joke lang, may namimiss lang ako*

> 16) May free ticket ka para manood ng shooting
> ng Harry Potter?
:: Nyak, bibigay ko na lang kay Papa K ung ticket. Teka, bakit kay papa K?

> 17) Inagaw ng isang tao ang bf/gf mo?..
:: Naku, bf lang un, isa lang un. Marami pa akong reserba *hahaahhahaha*

> 18) Binigyan ka ng guest role para sa
Encantadia?
:: Olivia Daytia! Sinasabi ko na nga ba, makakaharap ko na kakambal ko.

> 19) Inalok kang maging isang detective/secret
> agent/spy ng isang big time company?
:: Yun na nga ba ang sinasabi ko! Gusto ko un.

> 20) May bumagsak na meteor sa earth?
:: Ayos lang kung sa meteor garden bumagsak, kasi may F4 na naman! *hahaha*

Fussy cat dolls. FUSS.

2006-01-23T07:57:00.000+08:00

zeus said...

be satisfied/proud with your skin.. there are many beutiful "morenas" out there and you are one of them. and i disagree that the word/term morena is for rich ones. beauty is not how rich you are how poor you are. Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.

9:46 PM

thank you so much Zeus.

*****

Manny Pacquiao once again gained victory. And the whole nation's rejoicing with it. All except for me. There's so much fuss about Manny, his gloves, his battle, and Boxing.

Yesterday, the time stopped. Everyones' eyes were glued to the TV and cheering for Pacman (as if he can hear it). Even my Dad and my mom, keeps on shouting, "Sige Manny, kanain mo na yan! Un! Sige pa! Patumbahin mo na!".

Win or lose, 2 million dollars at stake.

Is there such word as loser for Manny? Is 2 million dollars not yet enough?

I know, it's not all about money. It's about pride and victory. Big word, Pride and Victory.

His OWN pride and victory gained so much fuss. If we cheer him to death or scream for him up to the top of our lungs, would he give us some of his bucks? *sorry for being so, money-listic*

I know, i know. We should thank him for 'putting once again the Philippines in the map'. We should thank him for 'making the Philippines as the most respected country in the world of BOXING'. Yeah right, boxing.

*whoever reading this, please don't kick my ass. I'm just being too... errr... you know, trying to contradict to everybody*

It's not that i don't rescpect that much. It's just that i think that boxing isn't worthy enough to make the economy stop, to make time stop and to make so much fuss about it. On the radio, you would here announcers say, "ang mga magnanakaw gumagala kasi pati mga pulis nanonood kay Manny".

So dumb. So stupid.

In return, what would we get? Nothing advantageous. Just another disrespect for the policemen. *laughs out loud 'cause my Dad's watching the battle too*

*sigh*.

(chuva, chorva, chuvaness, just the same. Just want to say it)

*****

I am absent for school today because of .... (ssshhh Gabby and Micah).

Our home is not worthy for it's name. Right now, it's more of a house than a home. I feel so abandoned. I feel so lonely. I feel so dark...

My Mom, brushing the terrace and doing the morning routine, gardening.

My Dad, as usual, in his office but he's gonna be home by 10 AM (all DCOPs are in night shift).

My sister, on work but gonna be home by 2 PM.

My sister, just blocks away. (gonna visit her and her son later)

My brother, on school.

Reigina, on school too.

Me?? sitting on the couch thinking of oh-shitty-deep-tagalog words for my Filipino tula.

Sometimes it sucks being a student. You are forced to do things which don't belong to your passion. But poem-writing is my passion but not the limited one.

*my dad's here, i must be doing my supposed-to-be things by now*

******

To myself,

I love you so much. You're are one ass-kicking, goddamn gorgeous, beautiful goddess. Thou shall have faith in thy self. Thou shall not feel insecure to those people, they're the ones who must feel it towards you.

Have faith in yourself.

Skin-color do matter. But yours is perfect.

Look at Olivia Daytia, Jasmine Trias, Mika Lagdameo and Bianca Gonzales. Dark-skinned but beautiful (Jasmine Trias was included 'cause... i look like her?).

You've got something to run for.

Yours truly,
Yourself.

Feeling like a nigger.

2006-01-21T19:44:00.001+08:00

Mestisa.

The word worth dying for (for me) just to be that. That mestisa lady walking down the street with flaunt and confidence and beauty and glamour. Mestisa.

But look at me, morena. Plain morena hating herself for having such a skin color, black-slash-brown-slash-kayumanggi.

I feel like a nigger living in a white state.

Why do i feel such frustration? Simply, 'cause it's human nature never to be satisfied and always ask for more.

Teacher: Rina, ilocana ka?
Rina: No, sir.
Teacher: Eh bakit ka maitim?

Look at his term. "Maitim", not morena. Sabagay, morena is just the sosyal way of saying 'dark-skinned' or maitim.

Morena= para sa mayayaman na maitim.
Baluga/Maitim= para sa mahihirap na maitim.

He/she used that 'cause he/she assumes that i'm, you know, poor. Maybe i am. Yes, i am. But does he know that 'teasing' a person on his/her frustration is like crushing his/her world into pieces? Insensitive.

*i know, Gabby will disagree with this entry. Thank you Gabby for lifting up my spirit.*

It's better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not.
-Gabby's cousin.

One of my Anti-Colonial-Mentality Campaigns.

2006-01-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

Muli ko na namang nabasa ang isang likha ni Pete Lacaba, ang Pakikipagsapalaran ni Juan Dela Cruz.

Para sa mga Nursing students, mga taong nangangarap magtrabaho sa ibang bansa, mga taong mababa ang tingin sa Pilipinas, mga taong walang balak mag-tanaw ng utang na loob sa Pilipinas at sa mga taong nakipag-debate ako tungkol sa isyung ito. Patawad.

Mali ako na husgahan ang nais at pangarap niyo. Mali rin ako na kontrahin ang mga taliwas (para sa akin) na pagtingin niyo para sa Pilipinas. At mas lalong mali ako na ipamukha sa inyo na mababa lang ang tingin ko sa inyo (sa totoo lang, mababa talaga).

Patawad.

Isa ako sa mga pag-asa ng Pilipinas. Alam ko yun. Isa ako sa mga mangilan-ngilan lang na highschool students na hindi nagbabalak kumukha ng Nursing pagtungtong sa kolehiyo. At mas lalong isa ako sa mga taong nagtatama ng mga taliwas na pag-iisip na tambakan lamang ng basura ang Pilipinas at hindi kailan man magkakaroon ng pag-asa dito.

Mali ako. Ngunit tama. Magulo.

(isang pagsusuri...)
Sa tula ni Jose Lacaba na Pakikipapagsapalaran ni Juan Dela Cruz (isang tula na sana ay kabilang sa mga kwento sa librong Usbong na ginagamit sa Pinoi), ipinakita lamang na Pilipinas na mismo ang nagtataboy sa mga mamamayan nito. Batas dito, batas doon. Bawal dito, bawal doon. Mga batas na sana ay 'di na lang naipatupad. Mga batas na sumisira sa maraming pagkatao, pamilya, moral, kaluluwa, kaibigan at pananampalataya. Maraming balakid ang ipinapamalas nito upang hindi nating lubusang makilala ang katauhan nitong si Pilipinas. NGUNIT, masisisi mo nga ba itong si Pilipinas na naging tampulan na lamang ng mga basurang pulitikong nagpapakasasa sa yaman nito at nagiging sanhi ng mga balakid? Masisisi mo nga ba itong si Pilipinas kung maging ang mga mamamayan nito ay hindi man lamang subukang itapon ang mga basura ng bayan at sa halip ay maging isa sa mga ito, mga basura rin. Kawawa naman itong si Pilipinas, biktima ng katangahan, kagaguhan, katarantaduhan at kabobohan. Nino? NG MGA PILIPINO.

~~Mali ako~~. NGUNIT Tama pa rin ako. Patawad.

Sa mga natatamaan, oo, basura kayo sa paningin ko. Wala akong pakialam kung maging basura kayo habang-buhay pero huwag na kayong mandamay ng iba pang basura.

Ako pa rin ang pag-asa ng Pilipinas. Itaboy man ako nito, mamahalin ko pa rin siya ng buong puso. Unconditional love kumbaga. TATANAW PA RIN AKO NG UTANG NA LOOB at iiwasang dumami ang basura sa bansa.

Failed Abduction.

2006-01-13T21:45:00.000+08:00

Failed Abduction

Droplets whispering, "at last..."
Peacefully fleeting and flowing
like mist in the air.
Everything's smooth and slow and nice
but their came the storm
growling like a drunkard
the smoothness turned to gloom
the light turned to dark.
*change of background (sound effects)*
The assault isn't over yet,
innerselves battling over
attacked by schizophrenia
eaten by fungi amidst the abomination.
"slay and stray and slay"
Singsongs played accompanied by musical ensembs.
Vicotry was int heir hands, they thought.
*change of scene*
Droplets shiver in fear
freezing like ice in a fridge.
But the ego fought and strived and struggled.

Victory came.

The abduction is failed.

*Written, Physics time 01/11/06, while having the longtest. Dedicated to Mr. Esteban.

******

Everyone has intelligence just of different levels.

Everyone has beauty just of different levels.

I've come up with a new definition for love, another definition i could write in a slum book with the frivolous question: What is love? *hullavalloo, laughs!*

Love is the same as tolerance. Accepting the fact that he's just this, and she's just that. Tolerating her 'degrees' of tolerance and 'degrees' of beauty would give a flowery love world for you.

*Hullavaloo, i love this.*

*******

Scattery Thoughts.

2006-01-09T19:43:00.000+08:00

Everything seems to be shitty at times. You may think that everything's in control, okay and kicking, but actually they are not. DECEIVE (i really love this word). People deceive. Things deceive. Love deceives. I deceive.

Why is there such word as irony? Why is there such word as confusion? Why do people have to go onto 'strained' paths? Why do people hold happiness with close fists when actually they can share it with others?

My thoughts are scattered, will you please pick it all up? ^_^

Just thinking of random things:

1. I'm thinking of taking up Anthropology/ Social Work/ Education (synonymous to desperation) for college instead of taking up my 'passion', Film And Audio Visual Communications. Yes, i would be happy and satisfied and later on, get used to it and shift to another field. No stable-ness. But if i would just take up these 'selfless' courses, i would gladly share my happiness with people, interact with them, share them my intelligence and be a person of worth.

"Intelligence isn't a privilege, it's a gift. It's not yours to waste. We've been given the power of intelligence for a purpose: to use it for the good of mankind." -Spiderman

2. I gave up with the 'pustahan' that i will never say a word of praise for my 'own' god (oh no, not god as in God) for a week. I shall pay thirty pesos twice for lunch. :)

3. Hell day. Thank God i survived the obstacles. Obstacles include: Longtest in Physics, Longtest in English, Quiz in A.P., Too much to cram for Filipino and the burning-like-hell Math! Whew!

4. I am actually hurt-slash-offended (with lighter meaning) when "she" (she knows it) bragged that i actually pissed her off (for this day). Well, i would be plastic if i would say that that was ok. I was hurt and that's it.

5. If i would be given enough strength and bravery, i would kick the asses of smokers! The hell, they burn their lungs to death and they are actually burning mine too because of their belching! They suck. *kicks butt imaginarily*

6. Reigina's actually improving on her spelling!

7. Our van is undergoing deep operation on his (its) bumper. He had suffered great accident when Dad bumped it on to a Police Mobil. My Dad is using a red-plate car right now 'cause our car isn't starting and the gasoline it consumes were gallons of gallons every kilometer. Thanks to the government, thanks to Malabon, he was able to go to work safe and sound.

8. I saw a dress from Sari-Sari and i really really love it. I was planning to buy it and add some laces, glitters, see-through cloth in it and *snap* Prom dress-able na!

9. RL gave me a wallet with 20 bucks in it! Thanks to you beautiful girl!

10. Friendster is undermaintenance. Shit men, i wasn't able to change my primary photo.

11. I'm into deep anti-colonial-mentality right now, please join me.

12. I'm longing for oldies songs like Besame Mucho, My Cherie Amour, Last Leaf, Leader of the Band, Falling Rain and Misty right now. I love these. (My Dad is a big fan of these, even my brother. Cascades and Beatles rock thought they're not rockstars! JOKE!)

13. There's this guy from my dream last night named VANCE. He was actually a 'kano' but he speaks Tagalog well. Scary. Weird. Strange.

14. Gabby, Micah, and I talked about ... Period.

15. I'm living the name 'YNA' instead of Rina, 'cause the R sound sucks. Even though it is my name, i actually don't know how to pronouce this fucking R, whether R (as in 'Ar', the maarte way of saying R) of R ( as in ArRRRR, the barok way of saying R). My name sounds better without the R. Oh well. Call me Yna instead.

PS: Scattery, scattery, scattery thoughts *sings in a singsong*.

Para kay Micah.

2006-01-08T13:22:00.000+08:00

Para kay Micah at sa mga panahong kasama ko siya at puro katangahan ang nangingibabaw:

harangin man ng mama,
mapahiya man ng sobra,
hindi mo mapagkakaila
na diyosa pa rin si Micah...

Pumasok man sa mali (sa maling pinto ng gateway),
tawanan man ng mga lalaki,
Maging tanga man lagi-lagi,
hindi mo pa rin maitatanggi
Na diyosa pa rin si Angelie.

Sigawan man ng bruha (bruha sa isang store na may nakalagay na "last PIER")
ilang bese mang madapa,
babangon pa rin si Micah
at itataas ang bandera ng mga Lima!

Salamat Micah sa lahat ng ating pinagsamahan, pagsasamahan at pagkakaibigan. Salamat sa pagiging gabay sa ating pagsisid sa kalaliman ng buhay. Salamat sa pagbibigay-ilaw sa mga kadilimang aking nararanasan. Salamat sa pag-aalay ng tenga sa mga kwentong kabaliwan, kalandian, katarantaduhan, kawalang-hiyaan at kalandiang aking naisisiwalat sa iyo.

Salamat sa pagiging isang tunay na kaibigan.
******

I was supposed to write something about colonialism but the entry is not appropriate on what i feel right now. Things just got scrawny and.... that's it.

Unexpected.

2005-12-31T13:22:00.000+08:00

Weird things do happen when you least expect them.

Weird things before 2005 ends:
1. Kelvin asked Micah for my number. (woooow. shet, that's all i can say.)
2. Kuya posted my picture on his latest entry in his livejournal. (want to see it? click his link on this blog)
3. I cooked dinner for last night and lunch for this day. And mind you, it's super delicious!
4. Someone from the Blue Babble Battalion (Ateneo Cheering squad) asked for my age, sex and location. He even asked if i was single. (oooowww. Fishy)

Bacteria that is.

2005-12-30T14:41:00.000+08:00

Crushes are like bacteria, they grow faster when kept in the dark. Before you know it, this crush may grow into an obsession.
-Candy magazine (December issue)

Bacteria that is. But they also grow even if it is revealed. An having a crush is synonymous with obsession. Obsession that you would call love mistakably. These bacteria deceive people. They make out a fool out of you.

I used to have this kind of bacteria (still having it). I used to be hooked with the idea that I was 'in-love' with him but actually 'obsessed'. I won't let a night pass without having 'text escapades' with him, no chatting over the phone and no sharing of itsy-bitsy love quotes. For quite a while, I made myself think that I was 'really in-love' with me and he in return too. But these bacteria deceived me. Deceived us.

The effect of the bacteria:
(excerpts from our text escapades between dec. 5-dec. 15)
*Ang puso, pagnagmahal, makulet. Kahit hindi pwede, pilit ng pilit. Hindi matuto kahit masakit. Hindi nagsasawa, kahit paulit-ulit. Kaya kung nakukulitan ka na sakin, huwag mo ako sumbatan. Sisihin mo puso ko, sobrang mahal ka niyan.
*Takot akong baka makita mong mahal kita... Takot akong mahalata mong nahuhulog na ako para sayo.. Takot ako.. Hindi dahil baka malaman mo, kundi baka kahit malaman mo, eh wala lang sayo..
*Still remember the time we were together? We were laughin' and with so much fun. You didn’t hear what I said. Sabi mo 'ano?' sabi ko 'wala'. I wasn’t able to tell you again that I love you. Nakakahiya. Binge mo kasi eh.
*I don't know why I keep on loving you despite the fact that I'll get hurt again, just like before, I never learn but then, I don't want to. Not now, not while I'm still strong enough to fall in love.
*Gusto ko ito sabihin kaya lang baka sabihin mo "sus, wag ka naman magpatawa!" eto na, sana lang huwag kang tumawa (scroll down)… MAHAL KITA.
*Mula nang mahalin kita, naranasan kong magselos, masaktan at lumuha. Pero kahit ganun, wala akong pinagsisihan. Kasi ng mahalin kita, naranasan kong maging "MASAYA".

At that time, the bacteria were diving inside our hearts and minds. It made us look stupid, sound stupid and made us fools. Later on, we both realized that it was just ‘phase’. He had found another one who he can share the symptoms with. He had found another victim of the bacteria. But still, up to now, I was still being eaten with these bacteria. I am still being hooked onto their fangs and still making a fool out of myself… I still call myself 'in-loved' though actually, I’m just 'obsessed'.

I need medication. But I’d rather choose to still be its victim that to let him pass within my hands…

*laughs at my post*

I just wish i was.

2005-12-28T23:19:00.000+08:00

I wish i could speak everything i wanted to speak.

I wish people would understand everything i say.

I wish i could be as frank as Kris Aquino.

I wish i could speak the language of everyone.

I wish i have convincing powers and let others believe in everything i say.

I wish people would respect my opinions, my thoughts, my reasonings and my point.

I wish i was better a person.

The primitive way. The real salvation.

2005-12-28T21:05:00.000+08:00

I just watched Enteng Kabisote with Mama and Reigina. And the movie doesn't suck that much. But i don't think the Filipino quality with regards to special effects doesn't improve yet. I feel like i was watching Petrang Kabayo and other magical movies years ago. No improvement. But the costumes, the costumes! I laaavveee it. It was a mediocre with regards to the production. The cuttings were ok, a lot better than the Shake, Rattle and Roll. Ohmigod, i am criticizing a movie with it's production and exteriority. Well, talking about the storyline, it was again, a mediocre. I haven't watched Enteng Kabisote 1 so i didn't understand the story that much, but with Reigina's help, little by little i was able to say "aaahhh..." Well, I'm not good in patching up the storyline, the characters' lives, and the scenes. Im better in analyzing how a scene should be cut properly, how actors should act and how smooth or rought the editing is. That's my director-ish side. More of the director-ish than the audience-ish.

******

Corruption makes us win.
-a line from the movie, err Sylrania?. Makes sense to me.

2006 is just days away. Hopes have gone high. Dreams are floating in the air by now. But do these hopes and dreams have their own destinations?

How i wish i could just climb up the mountains and get a membership to the Tasaday Community (the used-to-be Stone Age tribe in Marcos' time). I think that it would be better if we'd just live the Stone Age life.

Wear leaves instead of clothing that measures one's morality.
Use stone and stick to create fire instead of using lighters that promote pornography (the babes in bikinis at the cover of the lighter).

With the primitive way of living, there'll be no corruption. No lust. No greed. No jealousy. No sins. AND NO MONEY.

Money, the root of all evil. Imagine, if we could just live life in the simplest way like the stone-age people do, we are now living in the world as pure as heaven. Utopia.

******

Question: Pano magkichristmas party ang mga tiga-7-eleven at Mercury Drug?

Christmas.

2005-12-27T17:53:00.000+08:00

Christmas is over, but everyday is christmas, that means, Christmas will never be over. Tae, stupid.

Yehey, no more gift-giving. No more silly carollers. No more Rina-as-the-wrapper-of-gift-wrappers. No more tons of dishes needing dishwashing after noche buena. And low Meralco bill, i hope so.

Perfection (sounds stupid)

2005-12-23T20:30:00.000+08:00

Perfection.
-the state of being without a flaw or defect.

No one is perfect. We all know that. We are all aware that no one can achieve perfection but why do people still get ashamed whenever they have done something embarassing, something icky, done something wrong, typed a mispelled word, said something wrong, wrote in a wrong a grammar, failed a test, etc. although they know they CAN'T do everything in a smooth way, perfectly. We are not perfect. God loved us whole-heartedly with our flaws and imperfections. Why can't we just accept the fact that we can never be perfect, we can commit mistakes, do something embarassing and fail a test. Why can't we just accept all our imperfections and live life with it, life isn't perfect too, anyway. I'm not saying that we should not strive for perfection, the point is, accept the fact that we can never be perfect and live life with it's imperfection. Is there is no way for embarassment and shame. We're just humans, created with loose screws, bumpy brain-pops (where did i get that?) and IMPERFECTIONS.

(i sound stupid. Anyway, that's what i think, so... i think that could be sensible too i just hope so)

How-the-day-went-through

2005-12-20T19:11:00.000+08:00

As i was riding our car, i was thinking of becoming Agatom or Anatom (the Sineskwela character that transforms into atoms and goes through the inner components of objects). If i were either of the two, i would probably enter people's left brains. Wala lang. Parang masaya.

******

I still have no gift from my Ate Reys and Kuya Christian. *pouts and sobs*. i ransacked their christmas tree and still found no gift from them. That's so unfair.

I'm still hoping for Santa's gift... What would it be kaya?

Mama's gift for me: tsinelas, tsinelas and lots of tsinelas.
Mimi's gift for me: Havana slippers. Not havaianas, but havana.
Kuya's gift for me: LOVE. that's all. Nothing but love.
Reigina's gift for me: Card with a title 'Panget ka'
Ati Mir's gift for me: Still hidden
Ate Reys & Kuya Xtian's gift for me: NONE.

Puberty::Selfless wishlist::Egoistic Wishlist

2005-12-19T18:15:00.000+08:00

Reigina's not my baby anymore.

Nalulungkot akong isipin na ang nakababata kong kapatid ay tumatanda na. Nagdadalaga. Hindi na siya ang batang hinahabol ko para maligo. Hindi na siya ang batang hinihingan ko ng kiss at hug. Hindi na siya ang batang pakalat-kalat sa aming pamamahay ng naka-panty lang. Dalaga na siya. Lagi nang naka-shorts or skirt. Bihira magpa-kiss. Naliligo mag-isa. At nakakatulog na ng mag-isa.

She's not a baby anymore. Not our baby.

It seems that it was just yesterday when my mom's tummy was getting bigger, as if she had eaten a balloon. I thought it was just because she's full or she's got a tumor that gave me some creeps until Dad and Mom announced to us that she was pregnant. At first i was ecstatic but i get to realize that her pregnancy will dethrown me from being the bunso. Being six years old then, all i wanted was attention and six years of living satisfied me with that. BUT THIS 'CHANAK' CAME. 9 months of waiting for this chanak to come is like boiling yourself from jealousy and anger and eagerness to kill this baby and seek more attention. September 18, 1996, the chanak came. She was a beautiful baby. A healthy one and she's very far from the 'chanak' that i'm imagining. I learned to love her. I learned to be satisfied with the less-attention-compared-to-my-six-years-of-living. I learned to be independent, doing my own assignments and projects without my mom's help 'cause she's busy taking care of the baby. I've learned so many things from the arrival of the 'chanak'.

Years passed. We've become really close. We'd call ourselves bestfriends. We play together. We take a bath together. We share the same room. We decorate our room together. We're like 'pinagbiyak na pwet'. And I, still learning from her...

Now she's getting older. Sooner or later she'll be knocking at Puberty's door. And this makes me unhappy. No more baby. No more little sister (literally, 'cause she's getting bigger). No more cuddling of small hands of an obstreperous person, Reigina. How time flies...

I will miss the times when we take a bath together. When we play together. When no one will sleep unless the other one will. When we beg Daddy for 5 bucks to buy Pop cola. When we ride together the Pasikla octopus and the StoryLand corny rides. I will miss all the times when she was still enjoying childhood.

But i'm happy for her. Now that she can wear bra and have boobies (that's what she wanted eversince). Hahahaha. Enough for this drama-ekek thingie. Just want to go back to the times when we still share childhood although mine was quite late. Hayy. No more baby Reigina, hello turning-drama-queen Reigina.

*******

My selfless wishlist:
1. Selfishness among our hearts shall be removed or lessen.
2. More charitable and good-hearted people.
3. Poverty-reminder for everyone that will avoid them to splurge on unworthy things.
4. No more street people begging on streets, sidewalks and public places.
5. As much as possible, no more crimes, holduppers, snatchers, killers, and rapists.
6. A worthy leader.
7. Corrupt-free government and nation.
8. Mom being understanding and generous.
9. Dad having long-living fishes
10. Kuya having a girlfriend
11, Timirs...having a boyfriend.
12. Tereys and Kuya Christian having a happy married life and learning life's greatest lessons.
13. Reigina having a healthy and happy near-puberty-stage life.
14. Coycoy not leaving for Japan (this is not selfless)
15. Mimi haviong long life.
16. Micah finding the true meaning of beauty and accepting the fact that *bleep* and she are beautiful in different ways.
17. Gabby finding herself and learning how to be happy in simple ways.
18. Selah still guiding us to the right path and still having the tropatan in her hands.
19. Lovelle still enjoying her life.
20. Jen learning to get through the past.
21. RL still fighting through life's toughest obstacles.
22. Lisette learning the to differentiate love/loving someone from like/liking someone.

Egoistic-slash-self-centered wishes:
1. Wisdom
2. Courage
3. Good grades
4. Better understanding
5. Avoiding mediocrity and striving for excellence
6. No more feeling-intelligent-but-looking-stupid teacher
7. High level of tolerance and patience
8. UPCAT passing grade.
9. Being good in Math.
10. MORE SLIPPERS. MORE FLIPFLOPS.
11. A diary. A journal. A notebook. Another outlet of my thoughts.
12. MONEY!
13. Healthy crush life.
14. More Papas and Cute boys. (laughs to hell)
15. Strong faith.
16. Intelligence.

That's all for now.

Rina ruining her hair with dissatisfaction.

2005-12-19T15:12:00.000+08:00

I've read my previous posts and i'm wanting to kill myself now. Right at this moment. Gimme a dagger, a sabre, a sword, a knife, a cutter, anything! I just want to kill myself for having feeling-intelligent posts! It bothers me. Shit. Shit. Fuck.

*******

I've read a blog, a beautiful blog. I don't know how i got there but her skin surprised me. Not only the skin but the POSTS! Mhen, blog is having good posts! She was a director. A director i'm wishing i could be. She has directed an indie film. An indie film indeed!

*******

No sensible entry. I'll just shut up my mouth and do some brainstorming with my inner self and with my other personalities. I feel pathetically stupid right at this moment. I MUST HAVE A GOOD POST, SOMETHING SENSIBLE. Shit. My deadline is 10 PM. Shit.

*as if doing a monologue*

2005-12-18T20:25:00.000+08:00

The Charity work was cancelled. It was an Inquirer Project pala, not Selah's Church's. So ayun, i just went to Galle and watched the OZINE 2005 cosplay. Sorry Lovelle and Jen, i can't go to the School of the Holy Spirit's Band-Aid.

******

Kuya and I went to Robinsons Galleria for the Ozine 2005 Cosplay. Kuya wore a No Face (Spirited Away) costume and i was his alalay! At first i was bored. I have no one to share chit chats with. And i get insecured with Jin's legs and umm... everything! She has everything! She's perfect. She's got brains (UP ba naman eh), she's got beauty (hello, top 15 fashionable teens sa Meg!) and MONEY! She's perfect. Well, stop this Jin issue.

Cloud (Final fantasy) was stunning. Vivaciously extravagantly perfectly HANDSOME and PAPABLE! He's the HOTTEST PAPA i've ever met. The CUTEST of all the boys in this hemisphere. GoD, he's drop-dead gorgeous. I've fallen head-over-heels over him! And i'm starting to get gaga over this semi-fictional person. Grabe, his costume was just OK but mind you, he's got an alalay! Meron siyang Santa-kunwari na alalay who fixes his hair and makes him paypay! Shit. I should have asked him an autograph.

The next cute cosplayer was SASUKE (Naruto). Miguel, his real name and Oreo for Kuya and some old cosplayers. Grabe, i think there were three i-love-you's dedicated to him! And when it's his 10-seconds-of-fame, the crowd were cheering and screaming to death. So gwapo.

******

Itch is all over my hair. Itchy-flaky dandruffs are once again attack my crowning glory. Fuck them.

Dandruff

Your hair is the castle
of dandruffs dear.
They're princesses and queens
with silky gowns so clear.

For every strand of hair
is a post of the hall
where they bow with curtsy
where they dance with joy.

The itch you feel
are the steps they sprawl,
for every scratch
is the dance they crawl.

No matter how many
the chemicals you apply,
still they infest
the hair you love best.

*******

Naisip ko lang: Pano nagkichristmas party ang mga staff ng Seven eleven, Ministop at Mercury Drug?

2005-12-16T19:25:00.000+08:00

I'm godamn broke! List of debts:
*100 bucks for Micah
*100 bucks for Selah (pay fot the invitation thingie)
*100 bucks for Mimi (pwede raw wag bayaran, pamasko na daw. Pero hello. 15 years na akong umuutang dun at lahat un d pa bayad, hanggang ngayon ba hindi ako magbabayad??)

Shit. I need job. I need cash. I'm broke. Help me please good-hearted people.

I have to buy a new internet card pa pala!

******

Yasmien Kurdi's song wasn't that bad. I just heard her "in the name of love" song and it wasn't really bad except for the tili part. Is it a voice talent? Is it tampered? Anyway, JP likes it. Hahaha.

******

It's 16! It means that i'm a month older! I'm now 15 years and two months living on this hemisphere, lithosphere, hydrosphere and biosphere. Hahaha.

16 ngayon, first day of Simbang Gabi! Shitmen, i wasn't able to attend the 4 o'clock mass 'cause i got so tired from the UP Lantern Parade. Even my mom and dad weren't able to get up that early. My plan of completing the Simbang gabi was ruined!! Shit men.

******

This christmas would be the third time i'll greet 'him' Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday (No, no. Not Jesus). And yet, i'm still stucked with this kind of feeling towards him. When will i get over him?? When?

I thought i got the most perfect christmas gift: the **** busted thing. But i was wrong. So wrong. I'm getting my hopes soar too high. Shit.

2005-12-16T08:08:00.000+08:00

Gifts for Kelvin:
*Camouflage helmet. (for kids)
*Squeeshy lizard, i mean reptile. (for kids)
*Squeeshy turtle (again, for kids)

I can't paste the tag of Kelvin's picture here. Geeessshhh.

Christmas party was over. I think Sir Esteban was disappointed with the party. No sound system. No presentations and most escpecially NO ESTEBAN FIVE (Janjan, Jp, Engle, Vincent and Agdeppa). His disappointment gives me happiness and satisfaction. Nyahahaha.

Thanks to:
Micah, Selah, Kar, Jen, Lovelle, Allan, Marian, Cor, Aimee, Blessie, Nash, etc. for the gifts. :)

*******

Micah, Gabby and I went to SM and posed at the Mulawin and KingKong pictures. People were laughing at us but i don't know why i can't feel the shame. Maybe because i'm already the member of the Alpha Kapal Muks!

*******

Jen and I went to Gateway. Strolled. Rode the MRT. Ate at Taco Bell (tacos messed me up) And bought tickets for the CR!

******

Micah, Jen and I went to UP. We have to hire a cab just to be there on time! Buti na lang we saw all the lanterns of different courses.

Fine Arts' Lanterns were two-thumbs up talaga. And the Fireworks Display give out the child in me.

BUT UP was full of Putikan! Yes, putikan! The three of us were the victims of that Putikan. My feet were infested with germs, dirt and mud from the UP damuhan. Nakakatuwa. Hindi nakakadiri. Masaya. There were two guys laughing at us when we got stucked at the putikan. Silly people.

Putikan

Nilamon na nga ba
ang aking mga paa
ng mga dumi ng lupa
na mamasa-masa?

O hindi.
Hindi ito maaari.

Patuloy akong babangon.
Aalis sa putikan.
Ibabangon ang kalinisan
at kagandahan...

ng aking Paa.

Iniisip ko to bago ako matulog.

2005-12-13T20:29:00.000+08:00

This question bothers me: Who is that someone who you know deeply?
My answer: No one.

Next question: Who is that someone who knows you deeply?
My answer: Still no one.

I am quite sure that no one really knows who the real 'rina' is. Even myself, i barely know me. Why? Why? Why?

Random things for today:

*binabawi ko na ang last posts ko, i don't find myself sensible enough. I just find myself acting too mature for my age, not intelligent. And the quote "confident people don't talk about the things they're good at", slays me little by little. Awww.

*I find Jelo cute ONCE AGAIN.

*Still have no gift for Kelvin!

*Wrapping job isn't done yet.

*Hating someone like hell.

*Calling myself a thief. (mom once said that refraining yourself from giving what you don't kneed anymore to the ones needing it is Stealing. Wala lang.)

*Trying to picture out my man-of-my-dreams.

*Feeling stupid. It irritates me whenever i here Gabby and Kelvin speak the konyotic-way. I don't know. Maybe i was just insecured for i can't do that or twist my tongue to hell until it sounds konyotic or inglesero.

*Got 82 for Math. The hell, half of the class failed! Isn't a good reason to justify that the teacher isn't that good or not good at all? Or am i just blaming her for giving us fucking low grades?

2005-12-12T18:17:00.000+08:00

Today, i feel like i was the most beautiful girl in the world. There were million eyes following everystep i take. Several murmurs and whispers are heard whenever i pass by at certain groups of people. ONLY REASON: I WAS WEARING A MINI SKIRT.

Nowadays, i'm fond of wearing mini skirts, knee-socks, plain shirt and my itsy-bitsy sneakers. Nothing weird. But people are just too conservative enough to judge my clothes as the 'skimpy' type.

My mom and my dad are already used with my fashion. But sometimes i would here my mom say "you're too colorful naman" and my dad wouldn't allow me to go out of the house without cycling shorts underneath my mini skirt. It's ok at least they are not commanding me to change clothes pa. But the weird thing is, Ok sa parents ko, pero sa brother-in-law ko, HINDE!

You know, it's just a skirt. It's like showing JUST A PART of your legs, actually, knee nga lang eh. What's the big deal??

I know, hindi pa rin mawawala ang pagiging conservative ng mga Pilipino, pero, hello??!! it's 2005! Napagiiwanan na tayo ng Japan na puro metrosexual ang mga kalalakihan! Let's be open to other kinds and types of fashion. Huwag tayo magsettle sa pagiging 'manang'.

Yan ang isang dahilan bakit hindi umuunlad ang Pilipinas eh. Nakukuntento tayo sa kung ano ang common. Hindi tayo nagsstrive for difference. tsk tsk.

*******

My sister, my brother-in-law and I went to the designer sa Don Antonio. Magpapasukat na sana ako, but the designer was not there. So i just chose a design from some brochures and magazines. Comparing to other designers, Marien was cheaper. Sa Occasions at Vonticar Bridals, my pick was Php 10, 000. But with Marien/BCBL, Php 5,000 lang. 50% less. So ayun, by the end of this month, papatahi na ako.

And because Kuya Christian was bothered with my skirt, he was forced to hire a cab instead of commuting. The heck, it's just a skirt! Nakakapunta nga ako ng SM north na ganun ang skirt eh!

But think how sweet Kuya Christian is, he's now a part of the family, really. He treats me as his sister. And that makes the Lozada Family's life go round. Welcome!

*******

Why do people have to make a thing out of nothing?

It kills me. And it will kill you too.

2005-12-11T21:58:00.000+08:00

Kuya once said that, there is no such thing as "feelings" (i mean, romantically). It's not the heart which feels it, it's actually the brain daw.

For quite a while, napaniwala ko ang sarili ko sa mga sinabi nya.

But the weird part is, I'M CURRENTLY FEELING THIS "FEELING" THAT I AM ALREADY FEELING IT WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. (forgive mo for the redundance). It was Micah who made me realize na 'baka nga may gusto ako sa kanya' or i see him as 'more than a friend' or 'i'm inlove with him romantically'.

That's so gross. Makes me wanna puke.

Here's our conversation: (micah and I)
rina: micah, baka ang feelings na nararamdaman ko ngayon eh gustong i-prove na there is such thing called 'love'
rina: i mean, ung feelings na hindi manipulated ng utak.
micah: ohmygosh rina
micah: u r terribly confused.
rina: yaaaaakkkk
micah: and....this cud turn to mushiness.
rina: haha!
rina: Hala. that's so gross.
micah: yuh! like ur gonna kinig sa mushy songs na!
micah: while batting ur eyes like a teenybopper chic
micah: yuuuuck
micah: haha!
micah: ui! inpeyrness we r knoyo na ha! sa tagboards!
micah: haha!
rina: and i my tongue would nonstoply talk about cheesy stuffs like "i'm so inlove with him na"
rina: iiiiwwww...
micah: yuh
micah: an tommorow ur gonna cry cry and say
rina: yeah, we're konyos na. Like jin and company!
micah: "micah im inlove pala wd him. i ddnt know...but i love him sooo!"
rina: and there'll come a time that i will sing the song "getting over you.." sa flagceremony instead of lupang hinirang!
micah: oh yuck
micah: that song sucks
micah: that song is for stupid, heartbroken people.....
micah: dont sing that
rina: and sooner or later, i'm one of them na!
micah: sing "Halik" instead!
micah: ..i popost ko toh sa blog ko! haha!
rina: no, that's jologs!
rina: it would be better if i'll just sing forever more by sarah geronimo
micah: noh
micah: halik nalang because....
micah: its so....
micah: AEGIS!
micah: haha!
micah: aegis is like the king of great songs evurrrr!
rina: Fine
rina: Oh nooooo...
micah: why?!?!?!
rina: I'd kill myself for this!
rina: Never in my life that i see myself as one of those "what happened to their brains" guys whose blogs are about kwentos lang about their crushes and stuff
rina: nothing sensible really. Gross. Makes me wanna puke.
micah: yuh

*******

Micah and I were talking about intelligence. Intelligence of our batch and other batches.

Hindi bobo ang 07.

Reality check, try blog-hopping sa blogs ng ibang batches. Blog is the outlet of your thoughts right? Then, your blog defines who you are!

Nakaka-disappoint tignan na most of the scientians have (forgive me for this) senseless blogs. Just kwentos about stuffs. I don't blame you for not posting intellectual entries pero dba, SCIENTIAN KA, MATALINO KA! You have to think deeply. You should have depth. You must prove to yourself that you're intelligent not only academically!

Try comparing the blogs of higher batches na nasa UP na from the livejournals of other UP students. There is a big difference! Let's admit it, mas matalino ang posts ng mga LJ-ers considering na Finearts ang course nila. Nakakahiya. Gumraduate ka ng kisay, ipakita mo talino mo!

Tsk tsk.

Kaya YOU, HIGHER BATCHES, DON'T EVER TRY TO JUDGE OUR BATCH AS THE SLOWEST/STUPIDEST/ETC. BATCH IN THE HISTORY OF QUESCI. .Look at yourselves, look at your blogs. I am heartily confident that my posts are better than yours. More sensible, more meaningful.

PS: This is my personal opinion. Kung may magagalit sakin, you have no right. I'm just defending our side. I just want to prove you wrong.

2005-12-11T16:52:00.000+08:00

"I was born intelligent, But education ruined it"
I saw this at someone's shirt kanina. At first, i was like "Wow, kapal naman ng mukha nito" but i got to think "AKO RIN!"

I know, i was born intelligent. I am born intelligent.

But does education ruined it?

I think so. Halfway.

I am intelligent but i don't look like one. I think because i am not academically good. Let's admit the fact na, 70% percent of the population have shallow minds. It's the default on their minds na "If you excel academically, you're intelligent, and if you don't, then you're stupid". According to one of Micah's posts (www.maiks05says.blogspot.com),We are not our grades. We are more than that.

And i am more than my 81 grade in math (2nd year, 1st qtr.). I more than my 85 grade in geom (2nd year, 1st qtr.) and i more than my 97 grade in Computer (1st year, 4th qtr.). I am more than every grade written on my report card, whether outstandingly high or normally low.

I am still intelligent. And will always be one.

********

Nilalangaw na paninda,
putik putik na paa.
Heto pa rin si Inday,
sumisigaw, nanghahalina.
Kailan kaya mauubos
ang paninda?
Mamaya, mamaya
maghihintay ako...
Hanggang sa makatikim
ng onting barya ang aking palad
at ipambibili ng bibingka
na itatapal sa aking tiyan.

Sinulat ko sa isang resibo habang namimili si mama. Hindi siya maganda, pero dramatic ung dating sakin, gusto ko gawing pelikula. Wala lang.

2005-12-10T16:14:00.000+08:00

Oh geeessshh, it's been quite a while since my last post. Actually, i've been used to with no-internet-no-computer life. I'm starting to live life in the simplest way. Like:
*20-pesos for lunch.
*no more cocktails as a snack.
*having a cellphone without credits. Only purpose, paperweight!
*satisfied with Daryll's glimpse and simple Hi's.
*Going home early.
*No tv.

Simple. But happy.

*******

Live life like everyday's the last.

Yeah right. But how would you live life to fullest? Doing what you want? Or Doing what is right?

I need help. Badly.

*******

I admire Selah's blog. It's so honest. I wish, I too, can write as brave as Selah. Why don't i try?

*******

I think 2 days ago, Gabby, Micah and I went to canteen to satisfy our hunger. Then, there was Daryll, yes Daryll whom i had (i think it's more appropriate to write 'still have' insted of 'had') a crush for nearly 3 years. Gabby and I were supposed to buy food at Ate Duday's corner, but Gabby has no chits yet so she left me there and have her money (i guess that's my money, harhar) change for chits (ano?!). Basta yun. Then, Daryll came along. So i was like "shit, ano gagawin ko?". Then i heard his freakin' voice say, "Hi Rina". Feeling stupid, i replied "Hi Daryll" . Then he said, "Ang galing mo kanina ha.". I was super-duper tensed and i'm thinking of what to reply as fast as i can. I came up with the words "Nye, eh two-lines lang naman yun eh (audition for WOMAN. Wow, i got the role anyways)." At that point, napaisip ako. Sabi ko, "Bakit nya pa ako kailangan landiin (well, para sakin, landian un), that would only give me another reason to hang on onto him". Nainis ako.

Lord, is this love? Well, if love that is, it would be better if i'll just let myself feel every single moment of it and it will just pass by. I won't bother limit myself from the feeling of it.

I am feeling so pathetic. Giving meaning with simple smiles and compliments (compliments which are spoken just for the heck of it).

Minsan, kinahihiya ko ang sarili ko. Well, at this age, 15, naiinlove na ako. Ghadd, that's so gross (for me). I mean, i'm being too mushy, too cheesy. That's so gross. And whenever i hear people, same age as mine, sharing cheesy and mushy stories about love, it makes me laugh to hell. But now, look at me, i'm already one of them. Sooner of later, gugustuhin ko nang idetach ang sarili ko sa sarili ko ngayon. Gross. *uulllkk*

But he will always be a dream. The sweetest dream.

2005-11-29T20:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, everything seems to suck. You can't blame youself from wishing that you weren't the person you are now. And just this morning i thought of detaching my soul from my body and my life status. Hahahahaha.

I just thought that...
*it sucks being poor.
*it sucks riding public vehicle as means of transpo going to school.
*it sucks inhaling air pollution.
*it sucks having a bad-hair-day because of pollution that knots every strand of your maganda-sana hair.
*it sucks sitting beside a fouly-smelly men who got out from work.
*it sucks sitting beside a complete stranger that can hold you up (holdap?) and stab you with their itsy-pointy swiss knives and can fire gun on your head and make you brain spit up into pieces.
*and sometimes... It sucks to be myself.

But i have no choice but to live my life as is. I know, there is no one in this world who has a perfectly gorgeously utopian-ly lived life. Oh well, that sucks too. But why can't i be like those filthy rich kids on exclusive schools, riding their private cars with matching drivers, no pullutions, no holduppers, no smelly strangers, no coins, and no germs and no bad-hair-days? It sucks. Really.

********

Micah and I decided to do some sort of 'rap-battle' without the you know, the silly tune. Hahahaha. Grabe ang saya. There was this "Balagtas" in us that made our classmates laugh like there's no tomorrow. It was a sort of Balagtasan in the sense that we used words that no one has ever tried to use before (talaga lang ha). Hahahahahaha.

********

We had our Career Talk today. Well, i attended the Arts orientation. And the most exciting part is, KELVIN IS SITTING RIGHT BESIDE ME! Huuuuoooowww... there's still rainbow after the rain. hahahahahahah.

2005-11-28T18:25:00.000+08:00

I have nothing sensible to write. But forgive me, i just want to post something. Blogging is my refuge. It's the outlet of my emotions. Though i'm trying to keep every single entry as "sensible" as it can be, but at this point, huwag muna.

Galit ako. Naiinis ako. Period.

2005-11-27T19:35:00.000+08:00

I have ASTIGMATISM! Oh geeessshhh, i'm paranoid. I got my eyes refracted today since my glasses turns blurry every now and then, yun pala meron na akong astigmatism! Bullfrog! And the hell, 100 na grado ko! From 75-50, 100-100 plus 50 astigmatism on both eyes. I'm turning geeky 'cause my new glasses are for constant wearing.

On the other hand, i should be thankful with a 100-100 grade. My sister, a 9-year-old-grandmother-looking, wears glasses with i think, 300-600 grade! Yeah, i'm serious!

I'm now the ungrateful-but-now-repenting-and-trying to-be-grateful child of God.

******

While i was waiting at the Optical shop while my sister's eyes gets refracted, before boredom eats me, i decided to read my sister's newly bought book. a RUMPLESTILTSKIN book. Grabe pala, i thought my childhood was already 'complete', hindi pala. It's still deprived from silly fairytales like rumplestiltskin and puss 'n boots. Wala lang. Pero the deprivation is half-way-ly over. I've read rumplestiltskin now that i'm already 15 years old. No regrets naman for not having read Rumplestiltskin on my younger years since it's just a plain fairytale with NO MORAL LESSON taught.

Para sakin, Fairytales are not for children below 10 years old. Reading it makes me realize how stupid parents are when they buy books, fairy tale books thinking that their children would pick something goodilicous from it. As a matter of fact, it just gives children the idea of committing sins. Hahahahahaha.

Look:

Rumplestilkin -teaches us to be GREEDY. Greedy in the sense that there should be something in return after doing a person a favor. (it's when rumplestilskin asked the lad for her child)

Cinderella -shows that Love is a matter of beauty. Beauty that only lies physically. Idiot. And it shows rin violence. Yes violence! Violence when Cinderella's step-sisters and mother tortures her.

Pinocchio -teaches us, how to lie? Hahahaha. Exactly.

Beauty and the Beast -shows that ugly or beast-looking people/creatures shouldn't mingle with normal-looking people. Deprivation of one's happiness because of physical lo0ks,

Emperor's New Clothes -promotes Stupidity. Definitely.

Sleeping Beauty -Encourages children to do some 'romantically' done gestures like kissing. Iwww. On my own experience, this fairy tale gave me the idea of kissing my crush (fortunately, hindi ko nagawa un!)

See? See how these fairy tales give bad influence to young minds. See how they deceive people with their goodlicious animation when in fact their real intention is to infest evil influences on young minds.

(lahat ng nakasulat sa entry na ito ay pawang pananaw lamang ng isang taong namuo ang tubig sa utak, in short, wala sa tamang pagiisip.)

2005-11-23T20:26:00.000+08:00

Yes, i am not academically good. I knew it. And i have no choice but to accept the fact that my left brain works more accurately than my right brain. Hahahaha. Being slow with academics doesn't mean that you don't have a brain at all.

I may not be 'that' intelligent. I may not be 'that' intellectual. But at least i have this thing called 'depth'.

Depth =The range of one's understanding or competence

Wala lang, it suddenly popped on my mind.

Ay oo nga pala. Sinabi ko kay RL kanina:
"Intelligence is not measured on how good you speak, how fluent you are in english, how audible(?) your accent is, or how good are you academically. Intelligence is defined as how you realize or accept or analyze every consequence on every situation." --sariling definition. Huwag na makipag-argue.

******

Up to now, hindi ko pa rin alam ang tamang spelling ng enrolment/enrollment. Wala lang.

2005-11-23T19:48:00.000+08:00

Beauty is a matter of Acceptance, acceptance of your own imperfections.

Yes, i may have imperfections but not flaws, i think so (thank you greg for differentiating imperfection from flaw, thank you selah for giving me the idea. The reflection of beauty you wrote is great!). I may have elongated face, long chin (hahaha, fact fact fuck), small and not-so-good nose, semi-brownish lips (oh god that sucks), and imperfect skin. But regardless of these, i still love myself and i still think i'm beautiful. (thank you very much Selah. I don't know how many times i should be thanking you. You are my light beybeh).

I'm beautiful in my own special way.

I am really disappointed with my classmates (well, not all of them. there's this certain group of people lang who keeps on insulting/judging people by their looks or on any physical aspect. ) They sound really rude and i think they're not aware how much pain they give on their 'victims'. I'm one of them and their criticsm hurts me, really. But i've come to realize that no one can slay my feelings with just 'kababawans' like these. I may not be beautiful physically but at least i'm proud to say that i'm beautiful in my own special way.

Thank you very much Selah. Thank you.

2005-11-22T20:43:00.000+08:00

Minsan, masarap magsuot ng Headband na may jellyace sa tutok at may mala-taeng shell sa pinakatutok.

Minsan, masarap magsuot ng mga palda na ginawang tube.

Minsan, masarap magsuot ng tansan bilang belt.

Minsan, masarap magsuot ng CD bilang palda.

Minsan masarap balutan ng foil ang tsinelas mo.

Minsan, masarap magpa-make-up sa kaklase mo at maririnig ang kanilang mga halakhak kahit alam mong pinagtitripan ka lang nila.

Minsan, masarap gawing glue ang lip gloss para dumikit ang mga sequins na ilalagay sa katawan mo.

Minsan, MASARAP MAGING MASCOT.

At minsan, masarap isipin na ang PAGKATALO AY ISANG BAGAY NA HUHULMA NG IYONG NAPIPINTONG PAGKAPANALO.

******

Bukas, Nov. 23, 2005.

Magigising na lang ako sa katotohanan na dalawang taon na kitang minamahal.

Mascot-making ang pinagsimulan nito, sana mascot-making na rin ang maging katapusan.

Huwag na nating hayaan na magpa-alipin tayo sa maling damdamin.

******

Ay, marami pala akong na-receive na compliment ngayon. Maganda RAW ako ngayon. Bongga RAW ako. Matangkad DAW ako. At higit sa lahat, MAPUTI DAW AKO. Huwooow, sabi yan nung designer dun sa pinaginquiran ko ng Prom gown sa SM. Thank you. :D Hahahahaha.

2005-11-20T07:29:00.000+08:00

Growing up doesn't mean leaving the good memories of childhood.

Wala lang, naisip ko lang.

******

Christmas is just around the corner. May christmas tree na sa tabi ko ngayon. Meron na ring mga violet na christmas lights na masakit sa mata. Meron na ring malalaking silver na bulaklak sa center piece namin. Haiiii... Paskong-pasko na.

Ewan ko pero every Christmas malungkot ako. Siguro it's the aura of the Season. Malamig kasi tsaka madilim. Ewan ko.

******

Senseless na ako. Wala na akong maisip.

2005-11-18T21:24:00.000+08:00

It's been a decade since my last post. Oh how i miss blogging! But seriously, i'm feeling so not-intelligent-enough-to-blog. But anyway, my heart speaks it, and i have no choice but to speak it too.

Well, i'm into poetry again. I don't know but it strikes me again! I've been into that stage before who used to write and write until i got used to it and felt a bit of wanting for a change. Wala lang, for a change ulit, i'm back! Ang cute ko nga eh, ung mga tula ko tungkol sa Dandruff, sa sarili kong Diyos, sa sarili ko, sa katabi ko sa FX... etc. Wala lang. Hahahahahahaha.

******

People can be so deceiving and i hate them for deceiving me.

It hurts a lot when you treat them well without even knowing that they hate you whenever you turn your back. It hurts when you try your best to please them but all they can see were the flaws you tend to hide.

Honestly, i'm not mad at them or at her or anyone from their group, but i don't think i deserve this kind of treatment.

Tsaka, please don't say sorry if really don't mean it. You don't have to and formality's sake is not a reason.

I think you know who you are, i didn't mean to offend you or make you mad at me. I'm just following what Selah said that i should write on my blog as if now one will read it. SO ayon.

******

KFC's Chicken steak is a two-thumbs-up!

2005-11-12T23:43:00.000+08:00

Weird. Everything seems to be weirder than before.

1. Someone from Unique (the stall that creates pins out of pictures, located near Barrio Fiesta sa SM North), captured me a super-stolen picture.
Micah: Ui, ikaw oh!
Rina: Saan??
Micah: *tumuturo sa tv*
I look like sarap na sarap dun sa picture. My eyes were closed and i have this naughty smile. Basta, i look stupid.

2. The teeny-bopper movie, Waiting was nothing but shit. Hindi namin tinapos sa sobrang panget. It was a low-budget, poorly-edited and non-sense film. It's a waste of everything. Waste of time, money, effort, energy, etc.

3. There's this guy from friendster, his name is Cristan (if i'm not mistaken), sent me a message something like: you got one of my pics... And when i checked out my photos, shit! It's there nga! Weird! I think someone is using my account. But i apologized to him. I'm sorry stranger. I'm already satisfied with my own pictures and not needing any photo from anyone specially from the opposite sex. :)

4. My sister bought me a top and a pair of flipflops. Weird. The top was very-Rina and the flipflops, i love it.

5. Gabby's acting weird. Period.

PS: Micah, *tatawa muna ako*, alam mo na ang ibig-sabihin ng post na toh. OK? Hahahaha.

2005-11-07T21:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i want to blame myself for being someone who i shouldn't be. Reality check, i'm tired of making people laugh with my silly, sometimes nasty but definitely Corny jokes. I'm also tired of looking stupid in front of people just to give them a big smile or the hardest laugh on earth. I'm a joker, and i'm tired of it.

Here i am, the drama queen of my own castle...

*ayokong tapusin ang post na toh...*

2005-11-04T21:25:00.000+08:00

Why selfishness reigns within our hearts?

Nakakalungkot...

Try mo mag-survey ng mga tao:
Question: If you were given one wish, what would it be?
Common Answers: Pera, Unlimited wishes ulit (parang nabobobohan ako dito ah), cellphone, bahay, lupa, kotse, at iba pang ka-munduhan.

Reality Check: Selfish talaga tayo. We prioritize ourselves first than others.

Nakakalungkot rin isipin na ang number one na dahilan ng paghihirap ng Pilipinas ay ang SELFISHNESS.

1. Kung hindi selfish ang mga pulitiko, hindi sila mangungurakot.
2. Kung hindi selfish si GMA, hindi siya mandadaya para manalo at makapangurakot.
3. Kung hindi selfish ang mga tao, pantay-pantay siguro ang status natin sa buhay.

Selfishness is the stem of these crises and money is the root of all evils.

Naisip ko tuloy: Sana hindi na lang nag-krusada, ung paglalakbay para makamit ang banal na lupain (AP!) kasi isa sa mga epekto nito ang paggamit ng salapi.

******

Eto ang resulta ng kakulitan ng mga magulang ko:

(pin na sobrang laki, akala nila cute)

Picture namin ni jen:

Picture ko suot shades ni Earl:

(sa mga hindi nakakakilala kay Earl, isa po xang 50-year-old man trapped in a 15-year-old body, seryoso.)

2005-11-04T17:06:00.000+08:00

Malungkot ako.
Malungkot ang aura ng pamamahay namin ngayon.
Ubos na ang mga isda sa aquarium ng tatay ko.
Pati ang pinakamatabang isda namin na ang pangalan ay pogs ay wala na rin.

Patay na si Pogs... Pero hindi pa rin patay ang pagmamahal ko para sa kanya.

Pogs, the goldfish. Isdang pinangalan ko sa isang tao. Isang taong minsan kong minahal at patuloy na mamahalin...

I have to accept the fact that pogs is already gone. It hurts, but it's part of God's plans. Siguro, God wants me to forget Pogs, the goldfish and Pogs, the magnificent one.

I feel bad.

*****

My parents are a bit quirky today. Ang kulit nila.
1. Nagpapicture sila dun sa isang stall near foodcourt and nagpagawa sila ng isang super-laing pin na ang nakalagay ay ang picture nila!
2. Nakikipagagawan si Mama sa candymag ko.
3. Si Daddy, ilang beses na niyang sinabing "Haiii, namimiss ko na ang mga isda ko..."

Ang kulit nila. Ang kyut. (i can't upload the pictures yet, under maintenance pa ang photobucket eh)

2005-11-03T21:21:00.000+08:00

Para sa isang taong patuloy kong mamahalin...

Tandang-tanda ko nung una kitang makita. Madumi, nakangiti, at may hawak na basahan. Hindi pa ako sigurado noon kung magkakagusto nga ako sayo, hindi ka naman kasi ganun ka-gwapo. Oo, cute ka, pero hindi heartthrob-material. Nagulat na nga lang ako nung malaman kong crush na pala ng bayan.

Unang araw nun ng klase. Lahat nag-iintroduce ng kanilang sarili. Hinihintay-hintay ko na makita kang nakatayo na parang isang kawayan na hindi mapirmi sa isang posisyon at sumasabay sa kahit saan direkyson ng hangin. Nakakatawa kang titigan. Pero inaamin ko, noon pa lang, tinanong ko na ang sarili ko kung magkakagusto nga ba ako sayo. Hindi pa ako nakakapag-isip nang marinig ko ang malalim ngunit malamig mong boses, ginimbal mo ang mundo ko. Malayong-malayo ang pagkatao mo sa iniisip kong jologs na kulang na lang eh gawing jersey ang uniporme. Mali ako, kabilang ka pala sa mga taong ”may class” na kahit sablay sa pananalita eh halata pa ring may etiquette.

Likas ka nang mambobola. Hindi nakapagtataka na maraming nahumaling at nahuhumaling sayo. Hindi rin nakapagtataka na nagkagusto ako sayo. Tandang-tanda ko pa nung nag-uusap tayo tungkol sa report natin sa Natural Science. Si Charles Darwin ung topic. Sa kalagitnaan n gating brain-storming, bigla ka na lang humirit ng “Naglalagay ka ba ng soap sa face mo?”. Sumagot ako, “Malamang, alangan naming hinde”, naiirita. Ngunit inalis mo ang pagkairita sa sagot ko at bumanat ng “Hindi na kailangan, maganda ka na…”. Gusto kong ngumiti nun, pero ayokong Makita mong tumagos sakin ang pambobola mo. Hindi ko alam, mahirap ipaliwanag, pero magaling ka magpangiti, lalo na ng mga babae.

Hindi nagtagal naging magkaibigan tayo. Harutan. Kilitian. Tawanan. Asaran. Kulitan. Utangan tuwing dismissal at galit-galitan na nagsimula ng lahat…

Nagalit ako sayo nun. Pero alam ko hindi mo sinasadya. Tinext mo ako ng isang mushy-mushihang quote: “Sabi nila pag hindi ka mapakali may taong nagaalala sayo. Kaya ngayon, kung hindi ka mapakali, sorry ha, naaala kasi kita”. Gumana na naman ang kapangyarihan mo, napangiti mo na naman ako. Hindi nagtagal, lagi na kitang ka-text. Kahit nasa classroom tayo, text pa rin. Lagi na ring kausap sa telepono na kahit mayroong mga dalawang segundong tahimik tayo pareho, tuloy pa rin. Hindi rin natin namalayan na puro love quotes na pala ang umiikot sating dalawa. Kinikilig ako, sana ikaw din nung mga panahong un. Sineseryoso mo ang mga quotes ko. Oo, totoo un, hindi ko un isesend sayo un kung hindi totoo. Pero ikaw, tinanong kita kung seryoso ang quotes, sabi mo oo, pero nung minsang nagtext ka ng love quote, tinanong kita ulit kung totoo un. Sumagot ka, 1 message received... ”Oo mahal kita”. Hindi ako makalundag sa sobrang tuwa pero... 1 message received… Sayo ulit galling. Ayoko buksan, pero kailangan. “Oo, mahal kita bilang kaibigan”. P*TANG *NA. Nakakagago ka. Ginago mo ko. Nagpagago ako. Naalala ko tuloy ang isang quote na sinend ko sayo “May topak o wala, love pa rin natin ang isa’t-isa, promise?”. Nagreply ka, “Promise”. Nasaan na ang promise mo? Sana hindi ka na lang nangako. Sana hindi na lang ako humingi ng pangako…
Nagsimula na tayong mag-iwasan. Pero hindi naglaon bumalik rin sa dati ang lahat. Kulitan. Asaran. Kilitian. Pero may kulang, hindi mo na ako tinetext. Sa bawat makita kong may message ang telepono ko, lagi kong inaasahang galing sayo. Pero hinde. Sayang.

Nasaktan ako sa ginawa mo noon. Hindi ko sinabi sayo, hindi mo nalaman. Hindi sa ayokong malaman mo, ang sa akin lang, baka kahit malaman mo, eh wala lang sayo.

Lumipas na ang mga araw, buwan, pati na rin taon. Gusto pa rin kita. Akala ko mawawala toh, mauubos. Mali ako, maling-mali. Nagmamahal pa rin ako. Nasasaktan.

Isa...

Dalawa...

Tatlo...

Tatlong beses na akong nasaktan. Tatlong beses ka na ring nagkaka-girlfriend. At marami ka na ring beses nagbalak manligaw ng iba. Masakit, oo. Masakit rin isipin na nasasaktan ako dahil sa isang tao na hindi man lang alam na may nasasaktan dahil sa kanya. At mas lalong masakit isipin na nasasaktan ako ng wala lang karapatan…

Hanggan ngayon… Eto pa rin ako… Nagmamahal at patuloy na masasaktan…

--Sinulat ko yan without checking if it's grammatically wrong or correct, without thinking of what will the readers of this blog will say and without thinking that the person whom i dedicated this work of HEART will read this. I've written it to ease my pain, to express what i feel and to cry once again.

2005-11-03T19:35:00.000+08:00

My mom's acting weird, really. She bought us an internet card at her own initiative. She sent me load. She's the one who opened the door for me when i arrived home. And she texted me the cheesy-for-a-mom message telling me that we should forget the past and i am still her baby, chuchu.

Oh mheeeennnn, guilt strikes me twice.

ANGER IS A POISON. Thy shall not bear anger nor grudge onto someone, especially thy mom. :)

*****

It's my nephew's fourth monthsary.

Haha. Proud Tita!

*****

Nash told me that my posts were good. She loves it and 'magaganda' daw. Thank you for your appreciation Nash :)

*****

I am the class representative for the Mr. and Ms. Science & Technology. Geeessshhh, i'm not worrying about the costume, the talent portion or the recyclable materials, all i am worried about is the QUESTION & ANSWER PORTION! Pano kung tanungin ako anything related sa science, sa physics or sa chem, ano isasagot ko? "Good question, keep it up!"?? Haha.

*****

Naiyak ako sa post ni Micah (www.maiks05says.blogspot.com). Nainggit ako. Gagawa rin ako, makikita nyo na lang! Haha. Wag ngayon, wala ako sa mood. Haha. :)

2005-11-02T15:33:00.000+08:00

"Pain is the illusion of the senses and despair is the illusion of the mind."
-galing sa isang atenistang nakita ko ang profile sa kung saan.

I was impressed. Wala lang. There were nilalangs of ADMU HS pa pala na may sense. Buwahahahaha.

******

2 hours ago, i was dreaming of death and life. I was once dead daw and pleading God to bring me back to life. *masyadong mahaba, dko na lang kkwento* ay, there was Donita Rose, my guardian angel and i was CASSANDRA PONTI DAW! Sheeeettt.

When i woke up, i was panting like hell and i felt a bit of guilt. I dunno (i hate to use this word but it's awkward to say i don't know, sounds really awkward).

Siguro, God wants me to do good 'cause nowadays i've been bitching here and there. I seldomly pray at night, i keep on answering back at my parents, i've been really stubborn, etc.

Guilt kills me now.

My own rottenness eats my soul.

I should do good. I MUST DO GOOD.

2005-11-01T21:40:00.000+08:00

Rina, the frustrated lover. Charriiinggg.

Love frustrates me. *pouts*

Choosing a love one is like choosing a dress from wide range of clothes inside a closet. We choose those we like, we think are good on us and those which has our favorite color though it's too loose or to tight on us. But we seldomly choose those clothes which actually has a perfect fit on us?

When will i find kaya the one who's my perfect fit?

Haha...

Curiosity Attack:
1. Bakit ang chicken breast eh walang nipple?
2. Bakit hindi ko makalimutan ang landline nya, eh ang formulas mabilis kong makalimutan?
3. Bakit hanggang ngayon basted pa rin ang kuya ko?
4. Bakit everything's-ok ang drama ni mama ngayon?

Hayyy.

2005-11-01T14:13:00.000+08:00

Ay. There was this weirb-but-flattering experience pala kahapon with Micah.

We were walking along Banco De Oro (SM North), and there were 2 men (mga empleyado ata ng SM), then sabi nila sakin, "Isabel?"

Huwoow. Isabel Oli, is that you? Haha.

Flattered. :)

Nakakatuwa kasi sinabi sakin ni Micah dati na kamukha ko nga si Olivia Daytia at ngayon naman si Manong empleyado tinawag akong Isabel (Olivia Daytia). Haha. Artistahin na ako! *buggssshh, sipa tadyak suntok sa sarili*

2005-11-01T12:09:00.000+08:00

I hate my mom. I broke her heart. She broke mine.

Am i the disrespectful child? Am i the black-sheep? Or am i the one who made her realize her faults and imperfections?

Why do i hate her? Let me count the ways:
1. Minamanipulate nya ako in all ways.
2. Samin nya ibinabaling ang frustrations nya sa dalawa kong ate.
3. unreasonable xa.
4. Hindi nya matanggap ang mga mali nya.
5. Hindi xa marunong makinig.
6. Hindi xa marunong umintindi.
7. Hindi nya nakikita ang small things na ginagawa namin to please her.
8. Akala nya isa xang Diyos na hawak ang utak ng lahat ng tao.
9. Hindi nya matanggap na kayang-kaya ko na xang barahin.
10. Selfish xa.
11. Samin nya ibinabaling ang init ng ulo nya sa mga problema.
*madadagdagan pa yan*

I hate her.

I hate myself for hating her.

2005-11-01T11:32:00.000+08:00

I'm not in the mood to post anything.

I hate my mom. I hate her imperfections. I hate her flaws. I hate everything in her.

I also hate myself for hating her.

PS: Gabby, hindi si daddy ung nasa last post ko. Ano ka ba, anlayo beybeh!

Life can be so harsh.

2005-10-29T19:14:00.000+08:00

Why do fall in-love? Why do we tend to get hurt? Why do we take the risk of loving someone without the assurance that they'll love you back? Why do we sometimes feel this silly thing called 'heartbrokeness'?

and WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE WHO MAKE US HANG UP OR HOPE FOR NOTHING?!

If only i could answer this... Hindi sana ako heartbroken ngayon.

Too bad, i'm once again a heartbroken chikabebe.

I've been into couple of heartbrokeness. My heart fell into pieces for several times and yet i've never been used to it. AT ANG MASAKLAP PA DUN, IISANG TAO LANG ANG DAHILAN. I hate myself for this.

Why do i love thee? Let me count the ways...
-Eeerrr *buzzer sound*, no worthy reasons.

See? How stupid i am/us for falling for someone who isn't deserving.

Well, i'm not saying i 'love' him, it's just that the feeling is intense, you can call it infatuation or love for others, but for me, i'd better call this feeling as 'falling'. Just playing safe.

Tama si Micah, Accessories lang ang babae para sa kanya. Mabilis siyang magpalit.

Kung ikukumpara ko siya sa isang gangster, isa siyang skwater na gangster na ang pinipili ay mga peke, fancy at mumurahing blingbling. Pweeeee. *spits with phlegm*

WOMEN ARE LIKE APPLES. GUYS PICK THOSE WHO ARE WITHIN THEIR REACH AND TEND TO TAKE FOR GRANTED THE APPLES AT THE TOP THOUGH THEY ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL AND MORE DELICIOUS THAN THE APPLES AT THE LOWER PART OF THE TREE.

Am i considering myself as an apple at the top? YES, I AM! Angal ka?

Mababaw siyang tao. He's not striving for the best or for the better (harhar). He's settling for what's within his reach. Malabo. I hate him.

Deeply confused.

2005-10-29T14:18:00.000+08:00

I'm into deep self-knowing process right now.

It's been 15 years, 1 month and 13 days since i've been with myself and yet, i still haven't gone unto the deepest depth of my soul.

I've been into knowing-thy-self process for so many times but i always end up giving up and relying on destiny.

I don't blame myself for being so unpredictable or what. But i blame myself for not even knowing myself. Gulo noh?

******

There were people rin pala who sometimes doubt their intelligence. Akala ko ako lang. But then, i realized, why do i have to doubt it? God made us with unique attributes, talents, skills and with different levels of intelligence. Who cares if i don't have this or that? Who cares if i have low intelligence? Who cares if i'm not that good in english? Who cares if i don't sing well? NOBODY CARES. 'Cause God made us this way. We should thank Him for what we've got. *am i being too selah-ish?* Sabi nga ni Julieanne (whoever that aspiring singer is), we should share whatever God has given us, no matter how good or bad it is.

*Rina: lumilipad gamit ang pakpak at may hal-O (putchang spelling yan)*

Wishes.

2005-10-26T18:12:00.000+08:00

If there's a genie standing in front of me, with arms folded, and giving me 3 wishes, my wishes would probably:
1. A magical cream that would heal my Kuya's wound due to heartbroken-ness.
2. 2.7 million. No more. No less. (It's not that i'm being greedy or something, it's just that we really really need it at the moment)
3. Selfishness shall be removed among everybody's heart.

Hayy.. Dreaming on dragon wings.

******

We have a new househelp, Ate Cora. She's nice and very masipag. I think i'll love her.

******

Due to boredom, i went to sister's house, one street away.

I played with my nephew, Coycoy the angel. He's the only person that brightened up my day today. His smile made my world go round today.

Isa siyang madaldal na bata kahit puro murmur lang ang kaya niyang sabihin. Ang harot-harot nya. At may girlfriend na pala siya, si Pipay, ang baby sa kabilang bahay tabi nung kanila. Haha.

******

My baby sister received a love letter today from his 'Bakla-daw' friend.

Nagagaya na siya sakin, She's little by little becoming no-longer-my-mom's-baby. Ayoko! She's still my/our baby!

Rina: Naku, you're no longer our baby.
Reigina: Hindi nyo na naman talaga ako baby, kasi si Coycoy na baby nyo *trouts*
Rina: Hindi ah, baby pa rin kita!

Here's the love letter. Cute. Sounds intellectual for their age.

Dear Reigina,

You know that you are so
ugly and not cute and you are not
kind and lovable to
your classmates and
me and everyone. but you are so
bad to me and you are not
pretty very much and your mother
will kill you and i know that you are not
lovable to me but you are so
stupid. Yeh!! and not caring to your classmates. You know

I mean it what's in my heart.

Love, Shaldan

PS.: Reigina, that is a loveletter. Guess it. Ooops! Wag mo itatapon

*Read between the lines. For example, after reading line 1, proceed to line 3.

Ang cute.

I SAW BJ MANALO!

2005-10-25T21:01:00.000+08:00

Nakita ko si BJ Manalo sa UP Shopping Centre.

At first, i know his familiar-looking. I was thinking who's that artista is. I didn't tell Micah that i saw him 'cause i'm quite unsure if he's really the artista i was thinking about.

Kahapon din, nakita ko siya sa UP SC kasama ko kuya ko.

But i was wrong. Hindi pala siya artista. Siya si BJ Manalo, the blue-turned-green player.

While we were at Gabby's house, watching that Before Sunset low-cost movie, nagbabasa ako ng Seventeen. Oh my gulaaaayy, nakita ko si BJ Manalo, siya pala ung naka-blue na nakita ko sa UP!

So i was like 'Ngayon na nga lang ako nakakita ng UAAP player, hindi ko pa nakilala'. Tsk tsk. haha.

one jologs moment again!

2005-10-25T20:51:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to miss someone.

I got jealous when i saw his friendster account. There were lot of CHIPIPAY GIRLS dun. Like iwww. Pero i'm not in the position to feel jealousy.

I miss him and i don't know why.

PS: hindi siya si Daryll, hindi siya si Kelvin, hindi siya si kung sino man. Weird, namimiss ko xa.

*pouts*

THERE'S BLOOD IN YOUR COFFEE.

2005-10-25T20:17:00.000+08:00

I've got new Haircut! Haircut from MNG (mango? HINDE!), Micah 'N Gabby!

I'm not kidding. My hair's kinda weird-looking 'cause it's V all over! Cute nga eh. But the weird thing is, ung pinang-spray sa buhok ko, eh DOWNY! Seryoso. Downy na ginagamit panlaba! Haha.

******

Micah and I went to UP for our project in Physics. Before riding the SM North jeep, naisip namin maglakad muna. Nakakita kami ng poster ni Ka Fort (ANG WALANG HABAS NA PINATAY NG NESTLE). Naawa ako. For awhile, gusto kong umiyak. Napag-usapan din namin ni Micah ang mommy-baby relationship.

I'm no longer my mom's baby...

I let my bestfriends cut my hair without her permission.
I go home late knowing that she can't sleep until all of us are home already.
I'm starting to fall in-love without her awareness.
I use profane and foul words.
I disobey her rules.
I'm always arguing with her.
Sometimes, i talk to her as if she's my age.
I don't give her 'lambing' anymore.
I seldomly hug and kiss her.
I know borrow her clothes.

I'm no longer her baby. Too bad. I think she misses her baby, her baby Rina.

******

I miss old self. I miss the simple, tweetums, and sweet looking Rina.

I'm no longer the Rina whom my mom cuddles.
I'm no longer the Rina who gives the corniest animal joke.
I'm no longer the Rina who has tons of crushes.
I'm no longer the Rina who wears simple clothes.
I'm no longer the Rina who's the super-electrifyingly hyper.

I miss myself but i'm wondering if this change is for good or what. Does it made me a better person or everything is just a phase?

******

As much as possible, avoid buying/eating/using Nestle products.

THERE'S BLOOD IN YOUR COFFE.

2005-10-24T18:50:00.000+08:00

My CD failed me. Us. But nonetheless, i don't hold any grudge on that CD nor to Kuya Christian (my borhter-in-law). In fact, he didn't go to work last night ('cause he's working at a call center) just to help me and stop me from crying over our fucking magazine project in Physics. Well actually, i'm half-done with the layouting but the dimensions of the file was not appropriate so he adjusted most of it and edited some of the pages.

I really appreciated his way of pleasing me. He always tries to please us, everyone of us especially my dad and I 'cause we're the ones who has the coldest treatment to him. I felt really guilty for that. But now, i'm saying this whole-heartedly, i can feel now that he's NOW a part of the family, though matagal na siyang part ng pamilya, ngayon ko lang naramadaman na I have a new kuya!

The physics project.

I was the editor-in-chief of that project according to Gabby. To hone my skills, i told my groupmates that i will do the layouting part. At first, it was masaya, but then after several hours of dealing with my shitty hardrive, i cried and cried and cried. Ialmost give up but before the angst arise, Kuya Christian offered to help me. At first i was hesitant to reach his helping hand but i have had no choice but to grab the opportunity and don't mind the guilt that runs through my veins.

Thank you Kuya Christian and sorry for all the mean things i've done to you. Sorry for being ungrateful for some of the helps you have had given me, but now, i really really appreciate that. Sorry and thank you. :)

******

My Kuya and I watched Deuce Bigolow. Pakshit, i was the one who paid for his ticket and i bought him a combo 1 from countrystyle! Am i his sugarmommy?

The movie was a so-so with eyes dropping. Nothing much nor deep about it. But it was fun, halfway. American humor is very different with the pinoy humor. Ang galing. I didn't actually enjoyed the movie, i was expecting more comedy pa. Hindi naman sa nadisappoint ako, it's just that, i'm not satisfied. It's not worth the 100 pesos! Isang daan din un!

******
I played with my razor, shaved my legs and shaved my arms. It feels good at frst because of the smoothness. BUT after 2 hours, itch is rushing through my skin! I want to sing something like "ITCHY BITCHY RAZOR WHAT HAVE YOU DONE" *tune of itsy-bitsy spider*. The more i scratch it, the more chicken skin become obvious! Oh my gooodddd, help me!!

I promise not to do it again. Me naughty kid.

Lesson: DON'T DO UNTO OTHERS WHAT DON'T OTHERS DO UNTO YOU.

2005-10-22T14:04:00.000+08:00

Do we really fall in love at this age? At this stage? Or everything's just part of our illusions?

Sa YM, tumambay ka sandali, tignan mo ang status msg ng mga friends mo. Mapapansin mong hindi bababa sa kalahati ang mga taong may status message tungkol sa crush nya o sa "mahal" daw nya.

Sa Friendster, mag-profile-surfing ka. Halos lahat ng kabataan ngayon, may makikita ka sa testimonial nila na "Tong baby ko na toh, luv na luv ko" na galing sa syota nila. Para naman sa mga umaasa, makikita mo sa profile nila na "grabe ako magmahal, lahat ibinibigay ko" at iba pang mga kakornihan.

I-try mo naman maglagay ng magandang picture sa friendster (ung may malaking boobs at maputi or kahit na sinong artista na hindi kilala para hindi mahalata), maraming mag-aadd sayong mga lalaki. Karamihan jologs. Magmemessage sayo ng "Hi, can you be my friend?" Tapos pag sinagot mo na "Ok", wala pang isang linggo eh mag-i-iloveyou na yan sayo kahit hindi ka pa nya nakikita at nakakausap.

Para naman sa mga kabataang may utak, hindi jologs pero mushy, tignan mo ang mga blog nila. Maghanap ka ng isang entry na walang nakasulat tungkol sa crush o sa "mahal" nila. Mahirap. Para kang naghahanap ng karayom sa damuhan. Ang nakakatawa pa nun, isang malaking cellphone ang blog nila sa pagkadami-daming love quotes na halatang pinagpapasahan ng mga taong mushy rin ang pumupuno sa blog nila.

Nakakatawa.

Nakakagago ang mga kabataan ngayon, isa na ako dun.

Nakakaelibs. Biruin mo, sa dinami-dami ng problema sa Pilipinas, ang tanging iniisip nila ay love life na hindi sila sigurado kung meron talaga sila.

Natatawa ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Siguro dahil hindi PA ATA ako dumadaan sa ganitong phase ng teenage life. Naiinggit nga lang ba ako o nakokornihan lang?

Hindi pa ako naligawan kahit kelan, seryoso. Oo, may mga nagtanong, pero walang natuloy ni isa. One time, tinanong ko toh sa Kuya ko. Sabi nya, "naiintimidate daw ang mga lalaki sa mga madadaldal at sa mga babaeng matatangkad". Sabi naman ng Mama ko "Wala daw akong finesse kung gumalaw". Totoo ba un? Mamahalin ka ng isang lalaki dahil maliit ka at tahimik ka? Mamahalin ka dahil meron kang refinement? Huwow. Nung tinanong ko naman ang sarili ko, sumagot, ang sabi "Girls are like apples. Ung mga kinukuha eh ung mga nasa baba. Ung mga nasa taas, kahit magaganda, eh hindi pinipitas" Kumakapal ako. Pero ayos lang. I don't deserve them and they don't deserve someone who'se perfect! charing!

Theory:
there is no such thing as love ( i mean romantically ha) at this stage (teen) 'cause everyone undergoes the state of confusion and people who thinks they are inlove have shallow minds.

Explanation:
Hindi pa natin alam ang tunay na nararamdaman natin. Hindi purkit crush natin o crush tayo eh mahal na natin. Hindi purkit bumibilis ang heartbeat mo tuwing nakikita mo xa eh mahal mo na. Mababaw kang tao kung ganyan ka. Hindi ka isang tunay na Scientian. Hindi ka open-minded, hindi ka critical thinker, at higit sa lahat, hindi ka pwedeng maging scientist! Wala alng.

2005-10-21T19:41:00.000+08:00

My worst childhood nightmare (nightmare sa totoong buhay):
When i was in prep, still sucking my feeding bottle, i have this notebook which i call "Rina's List of Crushes" and on the first page, there's a capitalized cliche: DON'T READ! I brought that notebook when we went to Batangas, and to my surprise, i saw my Tita (she's actually my Ninang too), reading those silly pages. And still fresh from memory, she told my Lolo about that and the news was Out! My Kuya keeps on teasing me (up to now!) that the late Rico Yan was the first on my list. Then there's also Miguel Pujol (he's an autistic child, i guess. i'm not kidding) whom i used to have a crush DAW! Whew!

Nakakatuwang isipin na sa murang isipan ko ay may namumunga na palang kalandian! :)

******

If i would enumerate the most intelligent persons i've known, i would put my baby sister on the third slot. Her intelligence is unusual for kids at her age (9 yrs old). She may not be that good academically but she really has an intellect with a depth. She can memorize lines from movies even if she viewed that movie a long time ago. And she thinks and speaks like a thirtheen-year old teen! I mean, she's got lot of sense and her creativity is a big wow! She's good in arts and her creativity helps herself to hone her skill. She may not be that good in Math, but she's got logic! I remember the time when she told me that she wants to be a Cartographer (ung nagddrawing ng mga kriminal). I mean, at that age, would you dream of becoming someone involved with crimes, specially your a girl?

Oh well. What a proud sister here.

******

I hate myself. I hate my gender. I hate my blood circulation. I hate my groupmates in English. I hate my classmates (well, not all of them). I hate my sister. I hate the weather. I hate my dress. I hate the word IRRESPONSIBILITY. I hate you all!

My mood turned suicidal this day. My God, i haven't had any sleep yet for cramming that fucking english project with my groupmates who didn't give a even a single damn to it. OK, given that they've done their responsibility as a groupmember which is passing a chapter summary but that doesn't mean that the group leader will be the one who'll finish everything like the comparison to movie. No one bothered to ask "Ok na ba? Gusto mo ng tulong?". Wala lang. Naiinis ako.

PS:
Huwag magbibigay sa mga batang nanlilimos. Mas makakatulong ka kung hindi ka magbibigay. :)

2005-10-20T19:19:00.000+08:00

It's Gabby's birthday today. That Cinnamon bread and the brownies are Great though it violates my personal diet and renovation! Thank you Gabby! May you have more birthdays to come and i hope you'll grow and mature into a better person. I love you!

******

Sir Mallari told me that he sees my future as an artista. Here i go again, dreaming onto the darkest skies. Does he really mean that or he said that for me to feel flattered? I hope he means it 'cause it's a big compliment (Oww, NO DIGESTION OF COMPLIMENTS!)

******

I've been bad today. Really bad. But i've realized something. Regardless of being obnoxious, ungrateful and the mean deeds, God still loves me. (aaawww..) My conscience now kills me. Guilt running through my veins. I've counted my blessings and suddenly paused for a while, said a little prayer and enumerated the most wonderful gifts:
*quirky parents
*talented sister
*domineering sister
*a screwy brother who teases me that i used to have this fucking 'Rina's list of crushes'
*a baby sister who cried just when she saw me reading her diary
*2 great, wonderful, whimsical, unpredictable, spunky bestfriends. {Gabby&Micah}
*another bestfriend who's my twin, my shadow and my all-around companion {Lovelle}

These are a few of my wonderful gifts. Thank you God.

******

My posts are senseless but spare me for this. At least im being true to myself and things are just out of control, hectic schedules, hell deadlines and pressure.

Rina said, "No more posts!". Did she mean that?

2005-10-19T20:07:00.000+08:00

I'm telling myself to avoid friendster and blog until friday. Sobrang dami kasi ng gagawin eh. But i can't help it. Blogging is simply irresistable.

******

It's Gabby's Birthday tomorrow. I bought something for her. Very BFFL ang color! Wala lang.

******

Zai is leaving for the US on Nov. 5. Hell, we haven't had any bonding yet! Mahal ko ung lokang un kahit ganun un! I'll be missing her, really.

*****

On Friday, my Dad's Graduation. Probably, i'll go to school halfday. I have to be there. I must be there. That is one the most important days of my Dad and i know, he wants us to be there. :)

*****

I felt really stupid kanina. It was English time and our topic was about Benjamin Franklin and his unearthly views regarding the Supreme Being. Ma'am Vidar asked what are our opinions with his essay. And then i said something like "Mali siya, he wants us to find happiness in goodness". Parang ang gusto kong sabihin, may limitation ung happiness to please God. Basta. Then i heard someone (i know her, i just don't want to mention names) said "eh nakalagay naman virtous eh". So i was like, "Ok, damn, i looked so stupid!". Then i cried. Pero patago. Oo nga, ambobo ko. Ang kapal ng mukha ko na tawagin ang sarili kong Intellectual. Hindi pala.

Ayokong isipin na matalino ako. Ayokong madisappoint ako sa huli na malalaman ko na lang na average thinker lang pala ako. Ayoko na rin ng usapang "Matalino-si-Ganyan" talks. Naisip ko rin kanina, "Do i deserve my friends? Do they deserve someone who isn't that intellectual?" and the hardest question is "Do i belong?". At one point, narealize ko, Hindi ako bagay sa kanila. Hindi ako ganon kagaling mag-english at kadalasan mapapansin mong marami akong wrong grammar. Hindi rin ako ganon kayaman para sa kakikayan. Hindi ako ganon kalalim mag-isip para sa aming healthy talks. Hindi rin ganong kalawak ang vocabulary ko at hindi ko alam ang meaning ng word na 'sneaky'. Pero, tinignan ko sila. Mahal ko sila. Sana mahal din nila ako. At tanggap naman nila ako kahit ganito ako, sana.

PS: Sorry BFFL sa aking doubts. Pero love ko kayo. Promise.

2005-10-18T20:18:00.000+08:00

Introduction:
Mistulan akong binatukan ng mga salitang binitiwan ng aking nakatatandang kapatid sa kanyang LiveJournal. Minulat nya aking mga mata sa isang katotohanang nilulusong ko ng pikit-mata. Tama siya, hindi kahihiyan ang pagiging mahirap at ang pagtatago ng sikretong walang pera ay parte lamang ng kultura nating mga Pilipino, ang pagiging ma-pride.

******
Starting yesterday, i'm doing some kind of 'self renovation'. It's a part of maturing and growing into a better person (i hope so).
1. Lessen looking at the mirror. It'll just make me feel (more) inferior.
2. Lessen wearing ~~kikay stuffs~~ like the super-dangling earrings and chuva thingies.
3. No more ~~heavy meals~~. No more ~~1 1/2 rice~~. No more ~~second rounds~~.
4. No more digestion of compliments.
5. Less criticsm.
6. Positive-thinking/optimism.
7. No more ~~Lazy days~~.
8. As much as possible, avoid cheating.

Hanggang dyan muna. Mahirap na, baka hindi ko masunod.

******

I've been dreaming of becoming a National Artist. National Artist in the line of Literature. Ewan ko ba. Bigla ko na lang naisip na gusto ko maging katulad sina Genoveva Edroza-Matute, Jose 'Pete' Lacaba at si F. Sionil. Alam ko, hindi ako magaling o masasabi na rin nating hindi ako marunong magsulat. Pero lahat ng bagay ay pwedeng matutunan kung mahal mo o mamahalin mo ang gagawin mo. Mahal ko ang Literature. Mahal ko ang mga Writings, poems, at essays ng mga taong yan. Mahal ko ang pagsusulat. At mamahalin ko ang trabaho ko kung sakaling magiging Manunulat ako.

Gusto ko maging parte ng Kasaysayan ng Pilipinas. Gusto ko makita ang pangalan ko sa mga Makabayan Textbooks at may kasamang litrato ko. Dagdagan na rin natin ng caption tulad ng "Rina Anna M. Lozada, bantog na manunulat. Kinilala sa buong mundo dahil sa kanyang henyong obra maestra, ang pelikulang 'Huwag Diyan, hindi pa hinog yan' (title may change due to fickleness)." O dba, ang bongga ko?

******

Things i need to accomplish this week:
*Filipino Notebook
*English Project
*Physics magazine

Andami. Reports pa. Shhieemaaayy.

PS: ano nga ulit HTML tag pag bullets? Nakalimutan ko!

2005-10-15T18:14:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to post something here but my Mozilla failed me. Nothing important, just about the New York Minute and my twin sister. Yeah, i have a twin sister! My little sister thinks that she's my twin! Well then, wish granted! She's now my twin!

She's very Rina in here. :) I was the one kasi who told her to pose like that eh! Cute!

*****

I hate myself.

I hate my posts.

I hate my blog.

I've realized something. I'm making a fool out of myself. I'm not really expressing what i feel. I'm not being true to myself.

Isa akong aninong nabubuhay sa isang sinag ng liwanag.

This is my blog and i am suppose to write anything and everything that is true. But how come i tend wearing a mask and hide my real self? I post things which i think are sensible but actually i'm posting it for the sake that the people who visit my blog will think how intellectual i am. I write only the good things that happened and tend to take for granted the bad ones. I post something that will please everybody though there were more mean things i should write for them to know. I don't post truths that will make others have pity on me. I HATE MYSELF. I tend to hide the truths that lie inside. I really really hate myself.

The only solution for this is to spend some time alone.

No YM.
No Friendster.
No cellphone.
No talking over the phone.
Only me and myself.

Just for while.

Maybe it'll work. It 'll help me cope up with the guilt i'm feeling write now.

Don't bother talk to me. Don't bother give me comfort. Don't bother offer a shoulder to lean on.

I myself can resolve it. I hope so.

Who cares?

2005-10-15T14:23:00.000+08:00

I was having a bad-hair-day-and-no-one-can-fix-it stage kahapon. But then Micah was the one who lifted up my spirit. She told me something like "Minsan, kailangan mong itago ang ganda mo". Oo nga naman. And there were lots of questions puzzling on my head. Meron ba akong gandang dapat itago? O meron bang kasimplehang dapat ilabas? Hindi ko alam.

I've always dreamt of being beautiful. To be a goddess. I remember the time when i was still an ugly duckling (and still am), i would always go out and stand by at our terrace, gazing the stars, and count them. After counting them, i would always wish something and those wishes were all about being beautiful. Have they granted my wishes? I don't think so. I'm still confused.

There were times when i find myself attractive (humility aside, moment ko toh!). But there were also times when i find myself ordinary looking and not-so-attractive. I don't know which to believe. If i would ask someone who is an optimist, he/she would probably advise me to believe at the positive side which is 'i am attractive'. But what if truth slaps your face? Would you still believe at something whom you think is a big fiction? Ewan ko. *kumakanta ng kanta ng soapdish, Ewan ko*

Minsan, pinagsisisihan ko na tumakbo akong Muse. Oo, nanalo ako. Pero hindi yan patunay na maganda ako. Katotohanan para sa nanay at mga kaibigan ko at kalokohan para sa mga batchmates na bumoto at mga kaibigang plastik. Siguro kaya lang nila ako binoto kasi nakakatawa ako, nakakaaliw ang speech ko nung meeting de avance, makulit ako, pasaway, hyper, wala lang, masaya lang iboto at HINDI DAHIL KARAPAT-DAPAT AKO SA POSISYON. Masakit isipin na nanalo ako dahil sa kasinungalingan pero masarap isipin na may mga taong binoto ako para hindi ako ma-down. Siguro kung sakaling natalo ako, mas insecured pa ako sa lagay na toh.

Pinagsisisihan ko rin na bakit lagi kong inaaddress ang sarili ko na 'maganda'. Alam ko hindi ako maganda. Hindi ako ung crush ng bayan. Hindi ako ung Campus cutie. Hindi ako mestisa. Maitim ako. Pango. Maitim ang siko at tuhod. Mahaba ang baba. Ano pa? Marami pa! Pero sa kabila nito, may mga tao pa ring naniniwala na maganda ako. Ang mga kaibigan ko. Ang BFFL. Kahit siguro nanay ko, hindi rin magagandahan sakin kung hindi nya ako anak. Haha nakakatawa isipin na ang mga magulang obligado na sabihin sa anak nila na magaganda o gwapo ang mga ito kahit hinde. Haii. Oxymoron.

Minsan, nasasaktan ako sa tuwing may tumatawag saking Rina Ganda (sa mga classmates ko nung 2nd year at first year), Covergirl (kay Grapes), Pinakamaganda (kay Cor). Hindi ko alam kung nagsasabi sila ng totoo, nangbobola o nangaasar. Hindi ko alam. Basta nasasaktan ako.

Siguro nga tama ung sinabi ng isang Atenista na 'pandak at pangit' kami. Palitan natin ung 'kami', gawin nating 'ako'. Kanina, naisip ko, sana sabihin na lang ng mga tao sakin kung ano talaga ako. Hindi na ung paliguy-ligoy pa na 'OK ka naman ah' o minsan 'ano ka ba, hindi ka panget' (sus, hindi panget, pero hindi maganda). Haha.

If God would ask me to choose between beauty and brains, I would probably take Beauty than Brains. I don't know why. It may sound pathetic, call me dumb, call me brainless but at least ... whatever. I am a big CRAP.

Pero elibs ako sa sarili ko. Imagine, aware ako na panget ako pero tumakbo pa rin akong muse, proud akong ilagay ang picture ko sa friendster at mag-pose sa camera. Haneeeppp. It's like taking the risk of knowing the truth or hoping for something you could never embrace, beauty.

PS: hindi ko toh sinulat para magpa-awa or para mag-disagree kayo sa mga sinabi ko. Sinulat ko toh kasi ito nararamdaman ko. :) Panget ako, so what?

.:||:.

2005-10-12T20:50:00.000+08:00

1. if i could star in a movie, it would be...
`` The villain
because...
`` That's the real Rina. :) *evil grin*

2. my worst bad habit is...
`` Criticising people. Awww, can't help it. (shit, ang hirap ng spelling!)

3. im most proud that...
`` I'm the batch muse :) Minsan lang toh, pagbigyan nyo na ako.

4. it would be really cool if i got..
`` Hugs and kisses from my machoPapas.

5. the best advice i've ever gotten was...
`` "If you don't like the way you look, why strive to look like someone else? You've gotta run with what you've got"
from...
`` Supermodel daw nagsabi nyan, pero si Micah nagsabi sakin.

6. when i was a kid, i loved to...
`` Collect fancy stationeries but i don't actually write on them.

7. if i ruled the world, i would...
`` Require everyone to think of positive/happy thoughts. :)

8. the thing i love most being the 'class treasurer'
is...
`` Teachers always ask you to do something and though you don't want to yet you still do it and they will give you extra grades for your behavior/conduct.

9. my most favorite food in the world is...
`` Countrystyle donuts!

10. my friends always tease me about...
`` Do they tease me?

11. the coolest thing that's ever been invented is...
`` the stove.

12. being a teenager rocks because...
`` you undergo different stages like Confusion, identity crisis, love-or-infatuation thingie, etc.

13. the best way to get over a broken heart is...
`` to keep yourself busy and look for another machopapa!

14. for me, music is...
`` the language of the heart! Charrriiinng!

15. my LSS (last song syndrome) now is...
`` Halleluijah (whatever that f*cking spelling is)

16. id love to meet...
``Kris Aquino, Emilio Aguinaldo and the mutiny soldiers :)

17. as a kid, id always...
`` think that Papa Jesus will get mad at me everytime i disobeyed elders especially my mom. (aaawww, kiddo)

18. the worst food that i ate in my entire life is...
`` the chicken bits from Malaysia or Thailand Lovelle asked us to taste. It's gross and my description for it was 'Ambaho ng lasa'. haha.

19. if i would have a million dollars, i would...
``donate it to different charities. Promise. Probably at C.R.I.B.S. or at DSWD

20. if i would be the greatest fashion designer in
the hollywood, i would design the clothes of...
`` Manilyn Monroe 'cause she's damn hot.

The creepy experience.

2005-10-09T20:28:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, we went to Gabby's house to accomplish some of our projects (but we're not able to accomplish everything actually, planning lang.). But before we go at her place, naglakwatsa muna kami. We walked along Carpark and have some pictures taken with each of us sitting/standing at a fire post! Cute! Then we agreed to go to Katipunan. Wala lang. (i'll upload the pictures as soon as Micah has sent it.)

When we were at Gabby's house, it was really a musuem miniature. There's a painting of Diego Rivera (who the hell? i really don't know him but Micah told me that he's famous DAW) and there's also a band of MAGDALO (remeber, the mutiny?). Hell yeah, he's brother is one of those brave soldiers who fought for their rights against the government. I SALUTE YOU MR. PONTEJOS.

Creepy...

Before we leave Gabby's place, we took some pictures. At first, it was ok, it was fun. But then, a creepy moment occured and it made creeps crawl on our skins! Ganito kasi yan... Micah set her digicam on the timer mode. So it was like 10 seconds before it will finally capture a picture. We were stiff at that time with our own poses. But when we looked at the LCD of her camera, she was not there! We looked at each other with eyes all confused and scared and afraid.

Ayoko na ituloy... Natatakot na ako!

My Dad's a colonel and i'm proud of him.

2005-10-03T19:50:00.000+08:00

When i was on my way on home, there were two men who were sharing stories with each other. And i was in the state of i-can't-think-of-anything so i managed to evesdrop on their conversation. Then their conversation was about policemen and their KOTONG deeds. The other man was saying something like "sus, lahat naman sila, pera lang ang katapat". So i was like "Gag*, edi kung ganun tatay ko, sana mayaman kami, UL*L", but i can't say that of course to strangers, baka saksakin ako eh.

Don't judge policemen or military people in general. It's unfair for them and for us, their families. Imagine, we are the victims of wrong perceptions, stereotyping and the mentality of 'Basta pulis, nangongotong'. You know, i can't blame them for having such mentality 'cause it's obvious that tey weren't that educated, well u know. But it still, it hurts when people say that my dad was one of those DAMN CREATURES who take advantage of their positions. Hell, i know my dad. He's the most dignified person i've ever known (i'm not being bias). I still remember the time when i asked him why he can't do that Kotong thing and he answered me with this brief yet meaningful answer "Kung gagawin ko un, hindi na ako makakatingin ng diretso sa pamilya ko". See, look how dignified my dad is!

There's this certain incident (grade2 ata), a classmate asked me what's my dad's job. I answered him, a policeman! And then i saw him whispering on his friend's ear and then after that, they were claiming that my dad's a Kotong Lord or something na KURAKOT. I was about to cry then, but i just pulled their hair and shouted to his ear "PANO MO NALAMAN?? DADDY MO BA UN??"

LESSON: DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE IN GENERAL. THEY ARE INDIVIDUALS WITH INDIVIDUAL DO'S&DONT'S AND INDIVIDUAL WAY OF THINKING.

BFFL (Best Friends For Life)..
I have 2 new bestfriends, Micah and Gabby. They're wonderful and they make my world rock! Haha.

Tinatamad ako magsulat ngayon, nainis ako sa mga narrow-minded na tao. Grrr.

Usapan over dinner.

2005-10-02T19:08:00.000+08:00

Reigina: Alam mo 'Ti nens(that's what she calls me), Meron bully samin, Jommel ung name tapos inamin na bading xa!
Rina: Weh? Bully tas bading?
Reigina: Oo! Promise!
Daddy: Bat ganun? Kurutin mo lang ung pwet nun sisigaw na un ng 'Awwww' *giggles*
Reigina: Tapos lahat ng boys sa room, crush nya!
Rina: Nakooo, masama uuuunnn!!

Ang cute! Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng bading na bully. Bading na teacher, ayos pa. Wag lang bading na bully!

Tapos, i told my mom that i'm going to take up Audio Visual Communications if ever i'll be accepted in UP. Then she told me that it would be better if i would just take up Creative Writing in Filipino. Should i take that as a compliment or somewhat a rejection of what i like?

It's a compliment 'coz i never thought my mom was aware of my writing skills. But it's a cliche that she doesn't really want me to be like my ate. I really really want to become a director or any job realted to media. I just hope that someday she'll accept the fact that all of her siblings are meant to be in the field of Arts. My sister (eldest), a frustrated director and a successful writer. My other sister, a frustrated journalist/photographer/writer, now a call center agent. My brother is an artist, a painter. Me, a director-wannabe/frustrated theater actress. And my sister, Lahat na, writer/artist/actress, lahat-lahat na.

PS:
My handy-Dandy notebook is Awesome!

Sensible things. Right, sense!

2005-09-30T19:58:00.000+08:00

I'm confused once again. This time, it's within the extreme level. I CAN'T DISTINGUISH RIGHT FROM WRONG. I mean, things have 3 sides. Here are the sides:
1. right in the eyes of man.
2. right in the eyes of God.
3. Definitely wrong.

Ewan ko. I'll give you an example.

Kunwari, mabaho ang katabi mo sa keep, eh masikip na. No choice para umurong. Amoy panlengke ung amoy nya eh sa sobrang sikip, dumidikit ung balat mo sa kanya. Ano gagawin mo?
a. iiwas sa kanya kasi marami xang germs at may kasabihang, CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.
b. Tanggapin ang kabahuaan nya at matutong makihalubilo sa mga taong mababho at madudumi kasi un ang sinabi sa bible. Lahat tayo ay anak ng Diyos at dapat ituring na kapatid ang bawat nilalang.

Tama pareho ang dalawang choices. Ung A, right in the eyes of man. At ung B, right in the eyes of God. Pero ano susundin mo? Ung A na malinis ka pero meron kang kasalanan o ung B na madumi ka at may possibility ka na magkasakit pero wala kang kasalanan? LABO!

We often hear the words like 'I doesn't matter what others would say' or 'don't give a damn on other people's opinions' chuchu. Naisip ko, tama ang saying na yan. Pero na-apply ba natin? Ako hinde, i must admit. Nakakita ako ng ribbon kanina, un ung nasa bottle decorating project ko. Nilagay ko sa ulo ko. Nakyutan ako eh. Kung anu-ano opinions nila. Sabi nung isa, mukha daw akong gago. Sabi naman nung isa, cute daw.

Bigla kong na-apply ang mga chu-chung ganyan. Hindi ko pinakelaman kung ano sinabi nila. Hindi ko in-appreciate ang compliments at hindi ko pinansin ang insults. Who cares anyway? Natuwa ako. Unti-unti ko ng pinaniniwalaan ang sarili ko.

Inutusan ko ang sarili ko kanina maglakad ng mahaba. I want to be alone, feel the presence of different people, walk simultaneously without thinking of where to go. Ang sarap ng feeling. I walked alone along the dusty road of Lagro. Masaya. I thought of sensible things and sensible ideas. I thought of optimism and God. I analyzed things which are really complicated. I noticed things which we only take for granted. Eto examples:

1. Ang isang kalye na dinadaan-daanan lang natin pero maraming kwento sa bawat yapak na paa na dumadaan sa kanya.

2. Ang jeepney barker na nagpapaka-paos para maka-ipon para sa baon ng kanilang anak. Sa halagang 5 piso, masaya na sila.

3. Ang tindero ng mani na nagtetake ng risk para lumabas ng bahay, mag-hanap buhay ng walang kasiguraduhan kung kikita ba siya o mamumula lang ang mata sa kakaasa.

4. Ang kalbong aso sa may tabihan ng Sr. San Pedro na patuloy na naghahanap ng pamilyang magmamahal sa kanya.

5. Ang mga Nursing students na patambay-tambay lang pero hindi natin alam kung anong problema ang dinadala nila.

6. Ang balat ng candy na patuloy lang lumilipad hanggang sa makadapo sa tamang basurahan.

7. Ang ilaw sa Mercury Drug na kulang na lang ay umiyak sa sobrang pagod dahil 24 hrs ang Mercury.

8. Ang gwardiya sa Jollibee na nagsasabi ng 'Gud morning Ma'am/Sir', 'Balik po sila' na namumula ang mata sa kakaabang ng mga taong papasok sa fastfood para pagbuksan nya ng pinto.

9. Ang mga Nanay na naghahanap ng pwedeng ipabaon sa anak.

10. Ang mga jeep na sa kabila ng pagtaas ng gasolina ay patuloy pa rin sa pagtakbo.

Masarap isipin na maraming bagay ang pwedeng mag-bigay sa tin ng tuwa at saya pero atin itong nakakaligtaan dahil sa mga kababawan na lumulutang sa ating daigdig. Bakit hindi tayo sumisid at abutin ang kalaliman ng lahat?

Amen.

Naisip ko rin, ang mga sayings or quotations ay walang kwenta. The only purpose for them to exist is to uplift the donw-on-bended-knees spirits. Pero, kung ating titignang mabuti, isa silang malaking oxymoron. They contradict with each other. Others are just lame wrong. And we keep on believing or taking them as an advice. Pero mali sila. Mali.

For example:

'kung gusto maraming paraan...'
-Maraming paraan but the question is, are there any opportunities to grab??

'time is gold'
-Contradicting ito with the saying 'Life is full of chances'. If life is full of chances, would you still think time is gold eh there are still chances pa naman.

'don't shed a tear for someone who isn't deserving'
-CRY IF YOU WANT TO. Crying is an outwardly showing of feelings. Show what you feel and don't give a damn on others.

Ang gulo ng mundo, but we have live life this way. Matuto tayong masanay at tanggapin kung ano ang meron. :)

2005-09-29T21:49:00.000+08:00

I bought a new pair of school shoes today. I was with Lovelle, Jen and Jp. The shoes i bought was actually not my type. But since it was Daddy's choice, sige na nga. Dapat, sinusunod ang mga nakakatanda :).

I'm hurt. I'm in-love. I'm confused. I'm tired.

I'm hurt.
Actually, i'm not in the position to be 'hurt' (emotionally). There's this guy whom i used to have a crush on for years and he is such a joke. He doesn't take things seriously. He courts girls for the sake of having a girlfriend. It seems that he can't live without one. It's a necessity for him to have one 'cause it really defines his manliness. HE'S GROSS. And now, he's courting (Karir sa tagalog) another girl. I'm still hurt though i try to tell myself not to be. But it still sucks. Ok, i'm hurt because of the fact that upto now, i am still not his type.

I'm in-love.
I'm in-love with the feeling of being in-love. That's all. (sus, kunwari pa xa oh)

I'm confused.
Period.

I'm tired.
School is a big mess today. But the good thing is, i didn't cheat for this day. It's an achievement! I'm starting to hate some of my classmates. Those who use my guitar without my permission and they put wherever they want my guitar and its case. I hate it. I hate them.

Oh. Benny's dead. Benny is Gabby's pet. She loved him/her so much that when she got the news that Benny is dead, she started crying and still hopes that she will see Benny alive when she got home. I pity Gabby for losing some'animal' which became a big part on your life. Pls pray for his/her soul.

If i would be Mr. Webster, i would'nt put the word Frustrated on the dictionary.

2005-09-26T21:02:00.000+08:00

"Umuwi ng maaga, para makapanood ng Darna"
--Narinig ko yan sa isang mama kanina. Then i told myself, he's a frustrated makata.

Frustration:: the feeling that accompanies an experience of being thwarted in attaining your goals.

Bakit nga ba may mga taong frustrated?

Life is so unfair. There are people with unfulfilled goals, supressed with their needs and others just die without seeing the light. There were times when i think that Equality is better than a life like this. But it cannot be and will never be.

I pity that guy having such talent but not having the chance to develop it or show it to people. He could have been a better person with a better status in life, better salary and a better life for his family if he only had the opportunity to develop his talents, but unfortunately, he ended up as a barker.

I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for those people with Frustration on their shadows. I felt sorry for myself.

I know, there will come a time that i'll be one of those frustrated people. But being frustrated doesn't mean that it's a period for everything.

Wala lang.

Question: Bakit lumalaki ang population ng mga bading?

OCness attack.

2005-09-22T20:24:00.000+08:00

If Gabby is the most OC (Obsessive Compulsive) person you have met, then i'm next to her. I'm OC in a different way. Things do not bug me that much (si Gabby ganun), PEOPLE DO!

Kanina, nag-choreo ako sa Sabayang Bigkas ng classmates ko. Nagalingan ako sa sarili ko. Sabi ni Micah, pwede daw ako sa Mass Com. Haha. Bat Mass Com eh broadcasting un dba? Basta Mass Com daw. Haha.

Pero, i can't help but to say this, naiinis ako. Ito na ang tinatawag kong 'OC-ness Attack'. Sobrang cramming sila. Kaninang umaga lang sila nag-praktis eh tanghali ung presentation unlike sa kabilang section, 2 weeks na nilang pinapractice un. Feeling ko, matatapos nila un, hindi nga lang smoothly, kung dedicated talaga sila at gusto nila makakuha ng OK na grade. Pero hindi eh (i'm not saying lahat sila, may nakita akong seryoso), and i put myself on Sir Edwin's shoes. Naramdaman ko ung naramdaman nya nung tinuturuan nya kami. May mga groupmates sila na wala talagang concentration. Nainis ako.

Nag-ppresent na sila...

Hindi ko mapigilan mainis. Ung pinapakita nila, parang they're doing it just for the sake of performing. Tawa ng tawa ung iba then hindi nila natapos. Kasi, if i were them, tinuloy ko ung presentation, no matter what, no matter how. THE SHOW MUST GO ON. Naiiyak na talaga ako kasi nao-OC ako sa kanila. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, THEY COULD HAVE DONE BETTER kung concentrated lang sila sa ginagawa nila. Tsk tsk, nasasayangan ako.

Anyway,

I HATE CHEM. Mr. Diaz is now my least favorite teacher. He's not being fair.

1. He's narrow-minded. (hindi xa open-minded)
2. He's unfair.
3 . He made Gabby cry.
4. He teared Xean's paper because it was passed later than his shitty 10 seconds counting.
5. He obliges us to buy this f*cking Chemistry book for us to have a 98 on recitation.
6. He does not allow my classmates to have the quiz/longtest without having the book. How about those who can't afford it??
7. He gave us a f*cking 50 (grade) on the assignment. It's supposed to be 70 but he wants to be more mean to us, so he changed the lowest possible grade which is 70 to 50.
(there's a lot more.)

I'm planning to start a journal now. Not an online journal but a writing journal. I was inspired by Gabby's journal. wala lang.

*From now on, i'll try and swear to try really hard in writing in English since i am planning to take up courses relating communications on college. I thank you. Correct me if there's any wrong grammar or anything wrong. Thank you.

Pissed off.

2005-09-20T20:28:00.000+08:00

Elective time:

Nasa harap ko xa. I saw his face, i saw his flaws. Flaws i never noticed until that particular time. Sabi ko kay Gabby: 'Hindi pala xa gwapo talaga noh?'. Then narealize ko, i was a big fat stupid dumb ass for getting infatuated with someone like him for nearly 3 years. It wasn't just his face that isn't gwapo but also his attitudes. Imagine, i've waited for him for 3 years (sino ba nagsabing maghintay ako??*babatukan ang sarili*), him, having already 2 girlfriends (ung isa muntik na), masakit un, but then i still keep on hoping that there will come a time that we'll be together and that destiny will bid us together. Tanga! I have had this kind of mentality for 3 years, pero hindi na ngayon. Ayoko na.

Nadidiri ako sa manerisms nya. He keeps on making 'pa-cute' to everyone and that it really pisses me off. Siguro akala nya, cute mag-pa-cute at siguro iniisip nya na dahil crush ko pa rin xa, eh kikiligin ako sa pagpapa-cute nya, No way!

Eto example:
Teacher: Who are Ilocanos here?
X-Crush: *raises his huge hand*
Teacher: Oh, you're Ilocano?? From where? Sur or Norte?
X-Crush: Wala sir pero Ilocano ako tsk. *NAG-BEAUTIFUL EYES PA SI G@GO.*

And his mannerisms, it's pretty awkward. He has this thinking na gwapo xa kaya ok lang mag-pa-cute kasi bagay naman. Iwwww! That was the first time i was grossed out by his mannerisms. Kadiri.

One more thing na nakakadiri, he courts any girl he wants in order for him to have a girlfriend. Feeling ko, ang gusto lang nya eh ung title na 'May-syota-ako-kaya-gwapo-ako' title. Kadiri.

Kanina, kinukwento ko kay Jen na i'm already over him tapos eto naman si gaga, ginatungan pa! Nilalait-lait nya lalo. Sabi nya: Pangit xa! Pangit ilong, pangit mata, pangit labi, pangit ugali, malandi, lahat panget! Ang sama!! haha. truth hurts.

Hayy, buti na-realize ko rin toh. Pero bakit ngayon lang?? But at least, dba? Crush-hunting na lang ako bukas. :)

Letter ni Selah. sobs

2005-09-20T20:13:00.000+08:00

Dear Rina,

You knitted a cover for the world to place upon their eyes. You stole away their pain from them and i heard no more cries.

Everyone was happy; i saw all this and knew it was because of you... And the pain was lifted from me, and i was happy too.

I saw it leave my shoulders and slowly start to rise, and then it simply melted, disappeared into the skies.

'Cause no one now was hurting, so how could i feel pain? My hurt was caused by sadness which couldn't happen again, because I know that you would be there for me, right?

And as I looked up skywards, rain and sunlight fell on me... And in the place of our world's pain, a rainbow, i did see... Do you know what i'm talking about?

It's you; You're the rainbow of the class!

The raibow had all colors of hope and joy and love ang underneath the rainbow there flew a flock of doves. do you know what the dove symbolize?

Those are your friends, flying around you, thanks to your colors.

And when we open up our eyes, the world will be more cheerful. And the pain in our heart eased a bit with hope, with hope there's truth in dreams.

I hope you never lose that shine of yours no matter waht would happen... But, if there's any chance that your light is fading, remember that you still have the doves flying around you.

Selah.

--Natouch ako. Salamat Selah. You're one of those persons i'll never forget kahit magka-cancer of the brain pa ako.

You're one of those:
-who enlightens me
-who makes me feel strong and still have the capacity to fight and never to give up
-who makes me face the positive side of every imperfection
-who makes me smile in the heart.

I love you Selah. I'm thankful i've found someone like you.

Kung ikukumpara kita sa isang tao, para kang si Morrie sa Tuesdays with Morrie. You teach me life lessons. :)

INTELLECTUAL PEOPLE.

2005-09-20T20:00:00.000+08:00

Kahapon, we have had a healthy talk. Health talk for healthy-minded people, i mean, intellectually healthy (Micah, Gabby, RL at siyempre si Selah). Haha. Ang yabang eh noh, akala mo kung sinong matalino. But, humility aside, I am Intellectual, i think so and so do my friends. Intellectual din sila. We're not that academically good (QueSci pa rin!), but we think or we share opinions like Geniuses. I/we think deeper than most people do, i mean in a creative way. Feel na feel ko ang pagiging intellectual. I never thought that i'm 'that' intellectual but they told me that i'm one of those people who has sense, INTELLECTUAL! haha.

Marami kaming napag-usapan. About love, family, boys, intelligence, wisdom, people, etc. Ang sarap nilang kausap. Marami kang matututo sa kanila at mag-eenjoy ka at the same time habang kausap ang mga ganong tao. Ang sarap mapaligiran ng matatalinong tao.

Lesson learned:
People need WISDOM, not KNOWLEDGE. (galing kay Selah)

Tangina, intindihin nyo naman ako.

2005-09-18T19:19:00.000+08:00

Nag-comment ako sa LJ ni Kuya http://www.livejournal.com/users/sinag_araw/60834.html, tangina, mali na naman ang sinulat nya.

Mali na pala umiyak kapag nasasaktan ka. PUTANG INA.

Bakit ba hindi nila ako naiintindihan?

******

Detachment

2005-09-18T14:00:00.000+08:00

2 hours ago, i was doing sort of detachment. Detaching myself from 'myself' (gets? yeah, pretty complicated.)

And after detaching myself from my present self, in-observe ko ang sarili ko. And i felt sorry for myself. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, 'This is not the Rina i dreamt of becoming'. Then i asked myself, 'Bakit ako nagkakaganito?'. I once told myself never to be like my sisters. My sisters who left home without even supporting our family. Pero with my acts now, i show signals or threats of becoming like one. Sabi nga ng nanay ko 'May potential kang maging katulad ng mga ate mo!'. Nasaktan ako. Ayoko maging katulad sila. I have dreams for my family, lots of it. Kung alam lang nila....

Naisip ko, i'll do another detachment again. But this time, detach my bad traits from myself.

PS:
I miss James. It's been a day since i last saw him.

James.. Oh my James. Where art thou?

2005-09-17T20:10:00.000+08:00

Oh well. Bad girls kami ngayon. Ayos lang un. Lahat ng tao kailangan maging bad minsan para ma-balance ang mundo.

Nag-meet kami ni Lovelle sa McDo ng 11:30. Then, punta kami sa school. Oh shiaaccks, andun si MachoPapa. Wala lang. ang boring. Mga 40% lang ng queSci ang pumunta sa Fair. Ang boring sobra. Mga 1 nagpalabas na, so labas kami. Dapat kakain kami eh nakita namin sina Micah sa McDo. Edi chika minute muna. Napag-isipan namin pumuntang Katipunan. Eh parang naisip namin, wala naman kaming gagawin dun. So, pumunta na lang kaming Cubao.

On the way to Cubao...

Sumakay kami sa MRT! Ang haba ng nilakad namin pero worth it naman ung paglalakad namin eh. Pagdating sa Cubao Station, pumunta kaming Farmer's. Connected naman kasi un eh. Tapos hinahanap namin ung way papuntang GateWay. Hindi namin makita! Anlabo kasi ng signs eh. Tapos kami namang mga tanga, pretending na alam namin un. At last, nakita rin namin ang Gateway.

First stop, Mango.

Shopping (in your dreams) kami sa Mango, WINDOW SHOPPING! Haha. Nilalait namin ung mga damit. Pero totoo naman eh. Sa tinaas-taas ba naman ng Poverty rate ng Pilipinas, bibili ka pa ng mga damit na libo ang presyo? Tsk tsk. Wag na uy. Kung may pera lang ako pang-shopping, instead of buying unworthy clothes, ibibigay ko na lang ung pera ko sa mga bulag na nasa MRT at sa pulubi sa Overpass.

Nag-hanap ng yummies.

Nag-hanap kami ng 'yummies'. Mga 4 ata nakita namin. Pero sila ang yummies na hindi 'boyfriendable'. haha.

Kumain sa Food Express...

Kumain kami sa Food Express. Sa Steak Escape. Ayos lang. Ang kadiring part dun, may egg sa ibabaw ng rice. AT MAY, I THINK, PUBIC HAIR DUN SA ITLOG NA SUNNY-SIDE-UP! Buti na lang, hindi ako kumakain ng itlog. Kung hinde,.... Patay!

Fiesta Carnival...

After namin sa Gateway, Ikot kami sa Cubao. Nakita namin ang Fiesta Carnival. Ang ganda, parang masarap mag-date dun. Haha. Maganda in a jologs way, eh jologs ako eh, so maganda talaga. Nagandahan ako kasi nakakatuwa ang atmosphere, pang-masaya! Gusto namin sumakay ni Xean sa Viking kaso ayaw nina Micah at Lovelle. So hindi kami natuloy. Nag-bump car na lang kami. At last, natuto na ako mag-bump car. At infairness to me, hindi na ako nas-stuck sa gilid. Pero naaawa sakin si Micah, lagi kasi kami nagbu-bump nung bata, na-stuck tuloy kami. Tapos lagi ko sinasabi 'I-bump nyo ko!'. Kung naawa sakin si Micah, mas naawa ako dun sa bata. Hindi kasi xa makagalaw. Parang teary na nga ung eyes nya eh. Pero ayos lang, umulit naman xa eh.

SM Cubao...

Pumunta kaming SM Cubao para mag-CR. Ampota, ung CR tagung-tago! As in super tago! Haha. Nakakatawa kasi naghahanap kami, andun lang pala sa sulok! haha.

MRT Adventure...

Bumili kami ng ticket going to North Avenue. Then, tinanong namin si Kuya-Manong-Guard kung saan ung way papunta sa North Avenue. Sabi nya sa kaliwang escalator. Pumunta kami sa Kaliwang escaltor, tpos nagulat kami sa mga tao bakit bumabalik. Edi kami naman, lumipat kami sa kabilang side, thinking na un ang tamang way. Nung nakasakay na kami, nagulat ako nung nakita ko ung EXPO CENTRE. Tapos binulong ko sa kanila, mali kami! Bumaba kami sa SANTOLAN STATION. Kinausap namin ang isa pang Kuya-Manong-Guard, sabi namin, mali kami ng sakay. Edi yan, ok na. Nung lumipat na kami sa kabila, rejected naman ung ticket! Kinausap namin ulit ang isa pang Kuya-Manong-Guard at nag-explain kami. Pinapasok na kami! Yehey!

My James. James of my life.

Habang nag-eexplain kami dun sa isang kuya-manong-guard, merong machopapa na naka-blue!
Feeling ko, natangahan samin si Trainboy. Pero i think, WE'RE SOME KIND OF TANGA IN A VERY CUTE WAY. So yan, todo pa-cute muna kami. Dinundan ko si Xean kung san kami dapat maghihintay ng train. Eto naman si Micah at si Lovelle, hindi sumunod samin! Dun sila dun sa gwapo! Katabi nila! As in! Edi yan, may dumating na train, eh sobrang sikip. As in SARDINAS talaga! Pumasok si trainboy at si sidekick. Kinalabit ni Trainboy si Sidekick! Ano kaya meaning nun?
a. Kasi gusto nya makasabay kami?
b. Kasi gusto nya mauna kami?
c. all of the above?
Pero nung pasakay na sana si Lovelle, naisipan namin na wag na lang sumakay. Nagsisisi kami! After umalis nung train, lumingon si trainboy twice! Shiaaaccckkkss. Oh may guuulllaaayyy!!

Sa loob ng MRT...

Masikip rin sa loob. Pinagsisihan namin kung bakit hindi kami sumakay dun kay trainboy! Pero ayos lang. May nadapa sa loob ng MRT! Avril nakalagay sa likod, un pala, BADING! Wala lang.

Naisip ko, ayokong tawagin si trainboy ng trainboy lang forever. So sabi ko sa kanila, bigyan natin si trainboy ng pangalan. Ung unang pangalan na marinig namin, un na ang pangalan nya. Narinig namin ang St. James. So sabi namin, JAMES na lang! Oh James, my James!

Sayang talaga. HE'S MY DESTINY, i guess. Haha.

Lessons learned:
1. Huwag maglalakwatsa ng iba ang pinaalam, merong kasunod na karma un!
2. Kapag may gwapo, grab the opportunity to ask for his name and number.
3. Love-at-first-sight really happens!
4. Complete Strangers can be so attractive.

doireallysuck

new blog.

Betrayal.

Monologue.

reality/fiction || existence || Pretentious

***

Ang utak, ang basura at ako.

Goodbye.

Stop. Think. No one's beside you.

Shrimp-slash-crab

Such a pretentious psycho.

I'm a pyscho.

Survey.

Those threads devirginized my brows.

What's goes up must come down.

Past makes up the present.

Enough of posting for this day.

Ka-chuvahan.

Chuva lang.

No more cellphone.

...

Caution: Grammatically imperfect. But healthy.

Don't blame everything on me.

Kelvin RUL:ES.

Killing me Softly.

Contradictory Premises

Freedom.

Slumbook fallacies.

QueSci doesn't offer much appreciation for myself but it offers much appreciation for my being.

He will always be my sweetest nightmare.

Salamat sa mga naka-miss.

Fussy cat dolls. FUSS.

Feeling like a nigger.

One of my Anti-Colonial-Mentality Campaigns.

Failed Abduction.

Scattery Thoughts.

Para kay Micah.

Unexpected.

Bacteria that is.

I just wish i was.

The primitive way. The real salvation.

Christmas.

Perfection (sounds stupid)

How-the-day-went-through

Puberty::Selfless wishlist::Egoistic Wishlist

Rina ruining her hair with dissatisfaction.

Life can be so harsh.

Deeply confused.

Wishes.

I SAW BJ MANALO!

THERE'S BLOOD IN YOUR COFFEE.

Rina said, "No more posts!". Did she mean that?

Who cares?

.:||:.

The creepy experience.

My Dad's a colonel and i'm proud of him.

Usapan over dinner.

Sensible things. Right, sense!

If i would be Mr. Webster, i would'nt put the word Frustrated on the dictionary.

OCness attack.

Pissed off.

Letter ni Selah. *sobs*

INTELLECTUAL PEOPLE.

Tangina, intindihin nyo naman ako.

Detachment

James.. Oh my James. Where art thou?

Letter ni Selah. sobs