.Nothing Beats The Eyes of A Psycho.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

new blog.

Nakapag-transfer na pala ako ng blog. Nakalimutan kong sabihin.

www.deceptionanddenial.blogspot.com

Unti-unti kong pinagaaralang hubarin ang pagpapanggap, pagpupumilit at maling katauhan. Nawa'y maging isang magandang daan ang paglilipat ng blog para sa aking bagong katauhan.

Aking lulusubin ang reyalidad sa aking pagkatao, ang pagiging isang tunay na babae at pagiging isang tunay na kaibigan.

Masakit mang isiping ganoon ko na lamang kadaling iwan itong si doireallysuck sa likod ng pitong buwan naming pinagsamahan. Hindi madali. Ngunit kakayanin.

reality-based Shits heard over 8:19 PM
+:. 0 Shits heard over. .:+

Monday, March 27, 2006

Betrayal.

People can be as rude as a bra strap that suddenly pops after having large boobies. (Weird comparison, but i guess, this would satisfy my urge to laugh and laugh, 'cause i feel supressed with it today.).

A bra strap pops when your boobies got larger. You feel betrayed. Betrayed by the thing you think supports you. You've got nothing to do but throw it and buy a new one. Same with people. Tangeancy is clear enough.

Betrayal... one of the cursed words of all times.

I felt betrayed before. And i admit, i've betrayed a lot of persons, persons i do love, and persons i do not love "that much" (that's why there's no guilt after betraying 'em JOKE). Next to betrayal is Deception. The defense mechanism in order to gain success in betrayal is deception.

It may sound harsh (for me) but i love deception, the word itself and the madness it carries.

Let's go back to the rude thing. Indeed, people are rude enough to turn one's heart into pieces. Though i'm not the victim right now, i too, can feel the rudeness of people. But we cannot just put the blame on those "rude ones". I understand, there will always come a time when one should take priority on himself than others' and betrayal is the key. Now, it is selfishness.

Life is definitely not an apple or two... The crisp it bears could be a poisonious venom that runs through your sweetest pleasure.

Selfishness, deception, betrayal... name it. It refrains life to attain its utopian haven. But that's the color of life. No white without the presence of black (mali ata... forgive me, i'm not good in colors). And here comes irony once again. Stop it. I'm so used to it.

(wish i could sing Inseperable like Jasmine Trias and wipe away the tears of those who feel betrayed today... Paparapapap Love ko 'to)

Gabby and Rina's joke:

Q: who's the most down to earth?
A: Satan.

New word for the day:
Booblets (heard from Reigina. ) = baby boobs; boobs that will spring out from a child's chest to widen the circular shape of your nipple; a soon-to-be-boobs.

reality-based Shits heard over 8:04 PM
+:. 0 Shits heard over. .:+

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Monologue.

Tik tak ng oras (sounds so gasgas...)

Parang kawayang humahampas
ang tiktak ng oras
na para bagang nagbabadyang
may bagyong darating.

tik... tak...

Ilang tulo na ng pawis
ang tumagaktak
sa pisnging pinaliguan
ng bungang-araw.

Ilang tulo na ng pawis
ang dumaloy
sa matang namumula
daig pa ang adik sa kakahintay.

Mataas ang sikat ng araw
Nakangiti. Nakangisi.
Nang-aasar ba ito?
O sadyang nakapangiinit?

tik tak...

Mabagal ang galaw ng panahon.
Makupad ang kilos ng mga tao.
Mistulang tumigil ang tiktak ng oras.
Napatid na siguro ang maikling kamay
ng relong aking suot

Mabagal. Makupad. Ngunit tumitiktak...

(to be continued...)

I imagine myself holding a mike (like that of Sir Almendarez), squatting at the center of a jeepney, looking like a prophet delivering this monologue. Yes, this is a monologue since i'm so into monologue nowadays. Hahahaha.

reality-based Shits heard over 12:50 PM
+:. 0 Shits heard over. .:+

Thursday, March 23, 2006

reality/fiction || existence || Pretentious

(Letting a day pass without a single entry or update on my blog is still the hardest sacrifice i'm offering myself right now.

There were lots of words buffering on my mind at this exact moment, i just don't know how to condense them.)

******

There is a very thin line between what-i-think-is-REALITY and what-i-think-is-FICTION. I just can't trust my memory that much. Fiction is fantasy and fantasy gives me reality and it freaks me out! I don't want to suffer from False Memory. I fear rumors. I fear dishonesty. I fear deception of my own self. And i fear what i will say next (might be part of my own fiction-slash-fantasy-based reality).

******

I don't deserve an existence in this world, this is what i am thinking right now.

Sounds absurd, but existence is not for me right now.

I do not/cannot make myself worthy for what kind of disposition in life i have now. I feel like carrying the ironies of the world. Is this Karma? Or just a plain obstacle in life. I just can't explain how shitty things are.

******

I'm as fake as these flowers Mama has planted on our flower box.

I am pretentious. As pretentious as everyone else. Or even worse.

It was just now that i realized that i've never shown the real "me". I never had a "changeless" personality. It varies depending on the person/people i'm dealing with. I was pretentious. I am still pretentious.

But this abstraction doesn't suck that much until then i realize that i'm cheating with my own self. Deceiving it perhaps.

I hate it when people misunderstood things i wanted them to understand. I hate it when they just can't figure out why or how i choose this or that, made this and that, and a couple of this's and that's.

But the blame is on me now.

I do not make them see what i wanted them to see for i am fooling my own self. I show them the quintessence (i'm getting Estaban-ish in this post 'cause i'm using words newly read from the thesaurus :) ) they think i've got but actually don't. I deceive them and deceive myself as well.

I am pretentious. But who cares? Everybody has their own "pretentionisms". But not as worse as mine.

******

I was thinking of signing up to multiply.com but after weighing the conseuqences, i choose not to. I seek freedom. I value freedom more (hahaha).

As long as i am a blogger, stalking is my game.

Being a multiplier, Rina quits the game.

Better be a secret stalker that a recognized one. I need a BREAVE (micah, remember this?) heart.

reality-based Shits heard over 8:58 PM
+:. 0 Shits heard over. .:+

Monday, March 20, 2006

***

Man is pressumed intelligent until he opens his mouth.
--Chinese Proverb.

This is the quote written on the last page of our English Test paper a while ago. And i tend to disagree.

This is what i wrote after that silly quote:

But intelligence is WIDE enough not to be measured on how sensible his talkings are. Intelligence... is how you carry your self; how you speak; how you act. Sensible or not, it is still intelligence.
--Rina's proverb contradicting the Chinese Proverb.

(Everyone's got intelligence ... just of different levels. You can never wipe away intelligence from a man's persona. It's built-in.)

*******

I don't want to go to church anymore.

Yesterday, i attended the mass. The homily was appealing especially the "nilalapastangan mo ang sarili mo" part. I love it. But when it's the communion time...

Shit.

I've said "thank you" instead of Amen when i received the Body of Christ.

And now, i am in the position to say:

HOLY crap! HOLY!

*******

My heart is in my hands again.

I'm into the verge of letting it go now. Hahahaha. (sorry for being mushy).

*******

reality-based Shits heard over 3:46 PM
+:. 1 Shits heard over. .:+

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Ang utak, ang basura at ako.

Caution: Para sa mga taong dinudugo sa Tagalog, huwag ka nang mangahas basahin pa ang entry na ito.

Hindi ko talaga kung bakit ako naging tao. Sa totoo lang, mas magiging masaya ako kung naging isang elepante ako. O kaya tigre. Hayop, o halaman o kaya ay basura. Oo, basura! Kung hindi man basura, basurahan na lang. Tama! Basurahan.

Ngayon lang ako namulat sa basura ng mundo. Basura ko. At sa basura ng iba't-ibang tao.

Lahat ay basura.

Siguro nga masarap sabihin ang salitang basura lalo na sa tuwing naaalala ko na ginamit ito isang beses ni Kelvin para ma-describe (tangina, ang hirap ng tagalog nito) ang project ng kanyang love-of-his-life ata. Basura, ang cute.

Labin-limang taon na akong nabubuhay ngunit ngayon ko lang nasilayan ang kagandahan ng basura. Pilit akong itinago ng aking mga magulang sa loob ng kalinisan ng mundo at iniwas sa basura. Ngunit heto ako... Nagpumiglas.

At ngayon, kahalu-bilo ko ang mga basura. Mga basurang hindi inaakala ng mga magulang ko na aking masisilayan. Katabi ko sila, nagsasayaw, kumakanta at masasaya. Sila ang basura at kabilang na ako sa kanila.

At ngayon... heto ako. Nakikipag-sayaw kay Libog, nakikipag-kantahan kay Mura at nagdadasal kasama si Kasinungalingan. Masaya sila. Masaya rin ako.

Nilamon nila ako. Kinain nila ang pagkatao ko. Basura ako...

Ngunit bakit ganito? Masasama ang tingin nila sa mga katulad ko eh ang totoo eh kabilang rin sila sa kampon! Lahat ay basura. Tayo ay basura. Ayan ang dahilan kung bakit ayoko maging tao. Ikinahihiya natin ang ating mga pagkatao. Itinatago natin ang maging isang tuldok ng ating pagkakamali. At pinapabango natin ang mga pangalang permanente nang madumi.

Basura ako, at ikaw rin.

Anong nakakahiya at pagiging basura? Sa pagiging madumi? Sa pagiging mabaho at pagiging masama kung lahat ng nilalang sa mundo ay nakakararanas din ng ganitong karumihan. Hindi tayo dapat mandiri. Hindi tayo dapat lumayo. Tayo ito. Mga basura.

Nilamon tayo ng ating mga pagkatao, ang karumihan pero tayo'y nagiging mailap at nagtatago sa palda ng gagong kalinisan na yan.

Oo, hindi masama maging malinis. Hindi masama kung malinis ka talaga. Eh tangina, paano kung naglilinis-linisan lang? Huwag ka nang umasa. Isa kang basura. Masaya ka di ba? Panindigan mo.

*******

People are just too pretentious enough to cover up for their loss. I am pretentious, but not as pretentious as they are. Huwoooow.

*******

Being a loser in Math doesn't suck that much anymore, for me. I dunno know, the thought that i'm-no-good-in-Math makes me feel stronger and better. I feel more ... mentally healthy than those times i was an M-top student back in grade school. Ironic, isn't it.

I was explaining to my mom why i shouldn't be good in Math just hours ago. My explanation goes like this:

Rina: Ma, kasi ... ganito yan. Life is acting like the behaviour of sines and cosines. It undergoes a period. A period comprised with a point with the highest value and a point with a lowest value.
Hot Mommah: *eyebrows acting weird*
Rina: Life has its own ups and downs and maybe this (81-grade in Math), is my lowest value but having 97 in Speech And Drama is my highest value in a period of 3rd quarter in a Science School that sucks.
Hot Mommah: Okay okay... So it's my lowest value when i go to your school and have a talk with your teacher in Math begging her to give you a 90 in order to pass the subject and suffer like hell in the PTA meetings discussing how our children will pass that fuckin' (she didn't actually say it, but i feel like it's the perfect word to describe her anger) subject.
Rina: And your highest point is that you have a daughter that carries the title of being the "Batch Muse". *laughs pretentiously*

(that conversation was edited, but merely exact from the original conversation)

And that's the upside of being a loser in Math, you have the greatest reasons!

*******

Our Parish's Hermana/Hermano Mayor is planning to organize a Sagala in May. The shitty part is, they had a list with my name listed on the Reyna Elena part! Am i suppose to be flattered? Or just be pissed with their craziness?

Unfortunately, my mom assured them that i will agree with that. It's all fucked up. I got no choice but to enjoy it and feel that title as the "Upcoming Reyna Elena Victory Heights 2006". Shitty. But flattering. (it means, i'm the *insert adjective here in a superlative degree --a positive one* in the whole Imaculate Concepcion Sub-Parish? *blush blush* Hahahaha)

Oh my god, i have to wear fucking stilletos (spelling sucks) again.

*******

Exams next week and still, i'm not in the mode of studying. Tomorrow, i'll be having 2 tutorials in Math! Wish i still have liquids in my brain to keep it working. Seems like ... it's empty!

*******

Minsan gusto kong magpalamon sa lupa at sipsipin ang lahat ng likidong dumadaloy dito.

reality-based Shits heard over 8:10 PM
+:. 0 Shits heard over. .:+

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Goodbye.

(i got this from somewhere. I have friends, yes. But for some very weird reasons, i feel like having no friends at all.)

I miss blogging. Though there times when i can actually post an entry and share whatever goes on my mind, but i preffered not to. I am emotionally, physically and academically stressed. I feel danger, angst, paranoia, rejection and loneliness. But now i am ready. Ready to let the whole world know what i want them to know and what i want them to see. I am alone.

(warning: this post is mainly about "I")

Now i know what my fear is. I fear losing people. I fear rejection. I fear being lonely. I am selfish, i know. I was never contented with my disposition in life...

Having a conversation with Selah and RL offers me a little refuge. But the thought that "i don't have them anymore" bugs me. I was never alone. I've got RL, Jen, Lovelle ... i still have my "friends" with me. But having 3 isn't enough when it is supposed to be 5.

Call me stupid for not being able to understand things. Call me immature for not taking your decisions in a matured way, i just can't. Call me selfish for not being able to let you go in my hands. Call me pathetic for not moving on life without you. Call me anything you want, but please never call me your "ex-friend".

I want to hate you, but i couldn't. I want you not to leave me, but i couldn't. I want to put things on where they used to be placed, but i couldn't. I want to pretend that i'm ok without you, but i couldn't.

I don't want you to see me in a pitiful state but if this is the only way for us not to drift away, then i will.

Please, don't say goodbye.

You've said your goodbyes, your farewells. But i never say mine, 'cause i don't want to drift away. Away from you, away from our bond and away from our friendship.

We haven't talked about it yet. I know you and her, already have talked about it. Where is me? Isn't it unfair on my part making a desicion like this without me how and why this friendship will end. I knew your own reasons, but have heard mine? You never did. I understand.

Don't call yourselves "unworthy" for the friendship, you were. Don't call yourselves "not good enough", 'cause you were. Don't call yourselves "not a good friend", you were.

A good friend isn't measured on how much time ou take to listen on to your friend's problems, it's how you interact. A good friend isn't measured on how durable your listening ears are, it's the presence that counts. You were my "best friends", right? You were.

We are all selfish, admit it. That's why this "drifting" doesn't give much "ok-ness" on us.

You are selfish 'cause you wanted to search for your identity. You were selfish for having the decision without thinking (i'm not actually saying "without", but partially, i think) the consequences after the decision-making. I was hurt. I am hurt. She is hurt, i know. And you, i don't know if you were hurt or what, 'cause it's your decision, right?

You, you are selfish. I know you. You pretend that you are ok and things are ok. You pretend that you can leave alone thinking and thinking. But admit it that your "thinking" makes you realize how lonely you were. Loneliness, i know you hate it but you resist the idea, right? But loneliness makes you excel in academics, i understand. But you once said, it was your first time to have "friends" again since gradeschool. Isn't hard for you to let go of people who you think are your "friends". This is what i feel now.

I am selfish for not moving on life without you. Selfish for making RL feel that she isn't enough (sorry, RL. I know, you'd understand). I am selfish 'cause i don't want to suffer this feeling.

We are all selfish. But one should go down to fix things up.

I know you wouldn't. 'Cause it's your way of finding yourselves. I've found myself and this is because of you. You were the ones holding the mirror when i was in deep confusion and suffering self-crisis. I've found mine and this i owe you. I'm not pursuing it anymore.

I'm sorry for having contradicting thoughts in this entry. Ironic, isn't it? Paradoxic. I've written the first part of this before. But then i realized, i should leave everything into destiny's hand now.

I sound sheepish and cheesy and begging. But the hell i care.

If it was not for us, it will never be.

Thank you for all the things i should thank for. Everything.

Sorry for the things i've done, you think i will do and what i am doing. Sorry for the bad influences i've given you. Sorry for triggering you to put thing this way. Sorry.

I love you. We aren't lesbos (i know WE aren't lesbos, right?) but i just have to tell you this for the last time. I love you.

This would probably be the biggest frustration or mistake, i would say, i have done in my life. But i have to go one with life ... without you. I've learned to live with you, you've taught me how to. But i should teach myself how to live "without" you.

I'm saying this, the hardest word of all. I don't want to say this. But i have to.

Goodbye.

reality-based Shits heard over 2:14 PM
+:. 1 Shits heard over. .:+